Vagueness inside...

Life is an unpredicted journey where we won’t ever be ready. We think as we grow that we gain experience that helps us future and yet it’s just another topping on the layers of our myths and fake beliefs.

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I again tried to figure out what is it that bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot yet to learn and no matter what age I be, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile, the questions form a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams and all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quiet realized I ‘showed off’, like people wana be rich and pretty and smart and everything cool, I wana be happy. And after this thought I sympathized myself. Is that all what I need from life, and after a brief pause I cheerly shouted ‘yes’. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I need to make my life perfect.

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are, and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. In the quest of finding what I really wanted, I was like a 7 year old child where one day i wanted to stand on the moon and on the other I wanted a chocolate factory of my own. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and now it’s nothing but a tragic mess.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it din work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

Aching Mile....

I knew why it was happening, suddenly all my dreams and desires crashing down into pieces. Tears couldn’t stop flowing and my heart sank down and ached so hard I couldn’t resist but to scream. The life I was living all these years was a fake, anything and everything I had disappeared into thin air and all I could do was sit and stare. I thought I tried to run after it, but how wrong I was.

They accused me of not understanding, only if they could understand how I felt! It hurts not to see what we’ve been going through, it hurts to see that I do so much and no one cares; it hurts to see how I’ve made sacrifices that are of no value to anyone but just me.

I don’t wish for anything but to be a better person, how I regret all I’ve done, all I still do … I wish I so wish I could change myself. Why is it so hard to forget...to forgive, why does it seem impossible to end something that has no future, something that is though pleasurable but hard to survive? Something I never wanted to start, something I won’t ever be ready for…

And once again, having so many friends yet I’m so alone. It’s nothing that I hide or I can’t say, it’s just everything I never said. Is this me? I often wonder asking myself, will I be this way forever? Or will I be the person I loved to be. You took away all that was charming about me, left me in darkness surrounded by tears and sorrows and my soul drenched in pain.

I wana stop blaming you, stop blaming all those I indict, but looks like I’ve no control over my feelings. One thing that din change about me, that one thing which I’m not very proud of…I’ve always put relations and emotions above my life, I was never my priority but you and others...and even when I got selfish, it din really get me much for myself.

I’m tired, from whatever all this is. Tired of thinking, tired of knowing all that I wish I dint. I can’t help it anymore, I write because I can’t tell anyone. I write to make myself feel better. How can I hate you, I’m supposed to love you, respect u…I’m obliged to be there for u, its nature and its life. BUT I don’t want to…I wana get out of this, but m too scared to choose the only way, m scared of dying... But I don wana be a part of this anymore.

The chill I can feel in my body right now is awful, I wana make it stop; please make it stop for me. Please!
This was a start of new life; I thought it was a beginning of happiness and excitement... It sure was a beginning, maybe it was even new, but definitely not happiness is what it can be called, not very exciting even.

I’m done cursing myself and friends for the miserable life I’m living from a couple of years. But no, I won’t accept that this is my destiny. I refuse to those who say its fate and you can’t do anything about it. I lived with a hope, will always live with a hope… I believe, even if I’m crushed and all dried, I believe there is at least one light that would shine upon me. I am well aware of my sins and my good deeds, and only I know how bad and deep the regret is… I know I am good, better than many, and I know I will pass through this. I know m not alone; it’s me and my writing, together we'll pass this aching mile.