Fearful ...

I just heard that one incident can change your life; I never really thought it could happen. I believed that a lot more than just one thing is required for a man to change, but though I wasn’t completely wrong, I never knew things can have such an impact on your soul.

All that happened lately surrounded me with such intense fear and blocked all my thoughts, it was like being trapped inside this dark room and seeing all the things I’ve taken for granted. Sometimes the worst is required to heal you from the bad, and how was I supposed to know what I’ve been missing on if I never really understood how important it is. How would I be thankful for these breaths and these numerous gifts and blessings the Al Mighty has bestowed upon us if I hadn’t known its something that everybody doesn’t have and something that can go away in a blink of an eye.

Only if you have seen death real close you’ll know how bad you want to live. How easily we sometimes wish to end it all for some tragedies or worldly stuff and never realize one day it would go without giving us another chance. The moment I thought I’d lose it, it wasn’t the pain that made me shiver and stammer it was the fear I had inside.  The tears came rolling down and I couldn’t put a pause to them because I didn’t know what exactly they were for. I didn’t want anyone or anything beside me and just wanted to know if I could be there to weep all night long as I knew that is what I wana do.

Be thankful every morning for waking up and be thankful for breathing every second, be thankful for you have a family and be thankful for the food, shelter, clothes and the normal life. Its an irony how we talk about pain and sorrow and never think about people who’re at war or in a hospital literally fighting for every ounce of their life. All they want is to get just another day to see this world, just another breathe to be thankful for, just another chance to live their life.

I was hurt and depressed about the problems I’ve been having lately with friends, studies and stuff, and somehow it got worse every day. I tried pulling myself out of it but then gave up, but the other day seeing all those helpless people around me at the hospital, I felt ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed to be called a Muslim and all I could think of was to desperately ask for forgiveness. To say Alhumdulillah a million times to tell Him, and to the world how thankful I am for each and every thing I have in my life and to say Astagfar for all the mistakes and all the sinful thoughts I’ve done and had every single day of my life. I wanted just another chance, another day to make it up to Him and nothing else, no prayer no dua’a or no wish to have anyone or anything except His forgiveness.

I have no right to be angry at anyone in this world and hence forgiving holds no meaning, but I can apologize to each and every person that I’ve hurt, ever, and I expect forgiveness for its what you would expect from Him too. 

Letter Of Regret

Dear Friend,

It can never be explained or told, love can only be felt. And as stupid as I was to let go this feeling, I leave no meaning at all to all of the world’s most powerful words, but I’m still saying it just in case it could pass thru you, ‘I miss you…’

What I had with you was indescribable, the bond so strong that I literally died each second I wasn’t with you. It’s unusual to find a best friend that is cool enough to make it up to term, and even more unusual to find a person who loves you intimately even after seeing the worst of you, especially when the worst is for him. And  I’d call myself fortunate  if I hadn’t been so wrong in making decisions, if I didn’t make a mistake of having kept all of my worst for you. I’ve always pushed you away from myself, despite of the fact that you were the only person in the world that knew me more than myself. I might have my reasons for doing so, and since I know they’re all useless to you I wouldn’t bother listing them down, and if it feels any right, I now have understood how silly I was, no excuse is good enough to let go your love.

I have always loved myself before being with you, I did so much and so crazy yet no regrets or guilt was there. Right and wrong all I had crossed, but never stuck so bad. But since I’ve had this time with me, the guilt and regret is worse than anything I’ve been through. I hate myself for being so selfish, and I can’t bear out how much disgust is filled within me for the person who has been inconsiderate to you, and for a person who loved herself like I did, nothing can be more remorseful than having forever to blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

The last thing on earth I wanted was, to see tears in your eyes, and how fateful I must say I am to be doing it myself. I’m so sorry for being ridiculously awful and so meaningless, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I know this won’t even help cure even half of the pain I’ve given u, but there’s a hope knowing that you’ve always read what’s in my heart and not shown on my face , that you’ll know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry for all those times of your life that I lied to you about being together forever, I’m sorry for loving you more each time the thought of leaving you arrived, I’m sorry for not letting you face the reality, I’m so sorry for the love and the hugs that were just to hide the unwanted pain. But how could I tell you that its wrong when everything felt so right, how was I supposed to wake u up when you were living a dream of your life.

Yes I am aware of what I did to you, and yes I know it’s not something one can forget. I understand if you hate me for eternal and even if you never wish to see me again, but I would like you to remember all the hours of the day we’ve spent talking and the nights we’ve seen each other sleep. I’d like you to reminisce the old times, the exchange of warmth and comfort, the precious unique gifts…and if nothing is strong enough to soothe the pain, close your eyes and feel my existence, feel my hand touching yours, my arms holding you tight and feel your lips on mine. No matter how much you hate me for leaving you in this mortal life, your love for me weighs much more to let you survive.

Neither Life nor death can take away those moments we’ve spent together, and for the sake of the love filled in every moment of those memorable days, I today ask u to forgive me, Forgiveness for not making you a part of my grief as I promised a smile upon your face, forgiveness for not believing in you and letting our thing go away.

I was in love since forever and it grew as I grow, it settled down and lived inside and then I pinch it out of my life. I don’t know why it was done; I’ll just say that was destined to happen.

And for you don’t you, I am glad that I made it easier for you. Blaming me rather than yourself for the killing seclusion is way better than seeing your entire life standing in front of you to walk upon with millions of steps that follow lament and pain.

I wasted my life whining about mistakes, and now that the end seems near I’m afraid your love would just disappear, as I know how much I still mean to you. I thought I was the one in our relation that loved you more, but later realized you secretly overflowed the bucket. I am sorry for not being able to handle that love, and I am sorry for letting so much of you waste away, but one thing my dear I assure you, though great, the pain was never higher than the affection.

I might fail to make things better between us, but I just want you to know, I’ve never loved anyone as dearly as I’ve loved you and that you are and will always be the one closest to my heart. I love you so much that I can literally, and you know how much I mean it when I’m all sentimental and drowned in tears; I would literally drown myself in the sea and cut through my throat to breathe once again to tell you that I love you and then peacefully drive my soul to the seven skies assuring that my last scrap of life wasn’t about nothing but dedicated onto proving my love to you.

PS - The Girl who ruined your life

Life in a day

Yawning and eyes almost shut but I can’t go to bed before trapping these exquisite memories and writing them down as fresh as they are, from the first smile upon your face as u looked at me to the last look in your eyes, it’ll always be inside of me.
 

A day with the person I wish I could be with my whole life, a day with just the two of us. It’s crazy how everything turns out to be fun when you’re around. From morning 8 till midnight, at home and then hitting the mall, doing crazy things that weren’t planned were all the part of my perfect day. The delicious food and the precious gifts, the discussion and arguments about important stuff, the worried mood that was washed away with the excitement, the drawing and playing, the searching and the buying, the movie and the cooking, the Frappuccino and the ‘Friends Forever’ doughnuts, the laughing and the smiling! Ahh all you need in a life, all I had in a day.. You just gave me a Life in a day!

It’s your fascinating self that wants me to be there for you every time of the day. Best friends do anything and everything for each other, and I’ve known that…well since forever maybe because I’ve heard it or even felt it at times but never felt it as bad and as insistently as today. The little smiles that brighten up my world and the little surprises that make it a fantasy, all of today, each part of it was like living a dream.

You are my best friend not because I can talk to u about everything but simply because I can literally talk to u about anything! I never really have second thoughts before telling you my secrets, and the things I’ve rather be keeping to myself. Whether the family stuff or some guy problem whether the fights with friends or the bad days where you do nothing but whine about all the random not-so-good stuff in your life, I know I have one person right behind to listen to all the crap I wana say. You are indeed the only person who’ve had the worst of me and is still so close, you know when I need you bad even when I yell out loud that I don’t, you know and you’re always there when I scream and beg to be alone coz deep inside I’m begging you to stay. You are the one who can actually see the tears behind my smile and it’s not just a cliché you can actually figure out if there’s something bothering me... and yea one thing about me that I hate myself is my egotistical nature, something I really wish wasn’t there and one thing that always forces me into messing up stuff..one thing that possibly potentially can ruin my whole life but yes another bad thing you know and you can deal with  :)

It’s amazing the fact that you were so sure I would love what you did. What more can I ask for than a hand I can always reach when I’m falling, a smile I can always look at when I’m down, a shout I can always hear when I’m wrong, a friend I can always call after screwing up everything. Someone I call the worst things and hurt as much as I can, someone I yell at so bad that if that someone did the same I wouldn’t forget in a million years, someone I expect to hug me even if I smell worse than frying onions or rotten eggs or I vomit after eating strawberries or the smell of all these combined (seriously, eeeewww) and not just a hug, a one long enough to soothe me down.

Well you might not be that amazing, Im well aware of all your bad stuff too. A lot of people have seen you pretty and casual but ive seen the most ugly version of you. Ive heard you cry for as long as it takes for a man to die listening :P and ive seen you cry for things as little as a __ well never mind :P apart from this, something’s I never knew about you and after this summer I do are those which actually makes me happy :P hehe coz the fact that you’re too nice always did bothered me a little :P but I know now you care about yourself a lot though you’re not selfish and you expect people to know about what you did invisibly.. lol a lot more about you that all isn’t good neither bad, but all that what makes me happy, I’m glad to know you.