Disappointed.

I tried to give you all that I could think you could’ve wished for, anything and everything that I thought was your desire, and yet in the end, you say you’ve lost. I wish there was at least one time when it was just about me,  I wish I was a priority not for anyone else, atleast for myself.

I tried so hard to be that one person you always wanted me to be, to love you unconditionally, to be there when ever you need me and never complain if you’re not. To care and adore but never be possessive, I was an extremist, ill always be…but I changed that for you. I made myself into something I wasn’t, something I never wanted to be, just to have you in my life. The thought of losing you made me so reluctant to my own set standards and pushed me to so hard that I was one step from falling off.

I was warned at each step, I was laughed at every time, but I kept ignoring and it was always easy. The world was never a problem, I had the strength to deal with it, you gave me the strength, u made me strong but I never had thought even in my scariest night mares, that you could be the ‘world’ one day.

When I cry and someone sitting somewhere laughs won’t bring a slightest change in my behavior, attitude or anything else, I wouldn’t complain or notice causie I obviously wont be there when he cries, and I wont be there by choice. But you tought me that I shouldn’t complain when you’re not around, bevause Im there for you by choice, but yes you’ve got your own explanation of the statement. It always those ‘reasons’ that drag you away from me, and those ‘reasons’ are always something that I don’t get and something I wouldn’t keep as my priority, those ‘reasons’ always hit you when im down on my knees, when my heart needs you bad and when im all alone.

You cried and begged for me to understand, yet everytime it seemed like a lame excuse that could have been changed or altered, if not atleast the behavior and attitude of yours could’ve been better.. it happened everytime, how you ditched how I complained.

I never claimed to be was perfect, never even said that I was better, I just believe I was what you wanted, well at least until today. But you told me you’ve lost, your words woke me up, told me how stupid I am for running effortlessly.

It was so easy to lie to u, and why It wasn’t ever before, that ive no clue, but I kept hiding stuff and smiling and you never noticed and figured out because you did get what you wanted. You had all the love I could give and that made me realize it was what you wanted, not me, nothing except a part of me that loves.

You gave me reasons to not expect, you gave me reasons to step back. I wonder if you ever loved me, cause the moment I started being me, you pointed out flaws in me. But u were so greedy for love, u dealt with it, and when my lfie was nothing but you, all I could think was how to not hurt you. Very vague memories of when you very happy with what I did or said being me, if I was so bad you should’ve left me the moment you saw it. You hold on to me, and then throw me away in the end, what do you expect me to think of you.

I still love you and the last wish I have before I leave this world is to hate you....though for one second, I wish I could stop loving you for a moment, one wish , one last desire…I owe myself that much.

Letter Of Regret

Dear Friend,

It can never be explained or told, love can only be felt. And as stupid as I was to let go this feeling, I leave no meaning at all to all of the world’s most powerful words, but I’m still saying it just in case it could pass thru you, ‘I miss you…’

What I had with you was indescribable, the bond so strong that I literally died each second I wasn’t with you. It’s unusual to find a best friend that is cool enough to make it up to term, and even more unusual to find a person who loves you intimately even after seeing the worst of you, especially when the worst is for him. And  I’d call myself fortunate  if I hadn’t been so wrong in making decisions, if I didn’t make a mistake of having kept all of my worst for you. I’ve always pushed you away from myself, despite of the fact that you were the only person in the world that knew me more than myself. I might have my reasons for doing so, and since I know they’re all useless to you I wouldn’t bother listing them down, and if it feels any right, I now have understood how silly I was, no excuse is good enough to let go your love.

I have always loved myself before being with you, I did so much and so crazy yet no regrets or guilt was there. Right and wrong all I had crossed, but never stuck so bad. But since I’ve had this time with me, the guilt and regret is worse than anything I’ve been through. I hate myself for being so selfish, and I can’t bear out how much disgust is filled within me for the person who has been inconsiderate to you, and for a person who loved herself like I did, nothing can be more remorseful than having forever to blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

The last thing on earth I wanted was, to see tears in your eyes, and how fateful I must say I am to be doing it myself. I’m so sorry for being ridiculously awful and so meaningless, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I know this won’t even help cure even half of the pain I’ve given u, but there’s a hope knowing that you’ve always read what’s in my heart and not shown on my face , that you’ll know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry for all those times of your life that I lied to you about being together forever, I’m sorry for loving you more each time the thought of leaving you arrived, I’m sorry for not letting you face the reality, I’m so sorry for the love and the hugs that were just to hide the unwanted pain. But how could I tell you that its wrong when everything felt so right, how was I supposed to wake u up when you were living a dream of your life.

Yes I am aware of what I did to you, and yes I know it’s not something one can forget. I understand if you hate me for eternal and even if you never wish to see me again, but I would like you to remember all the hours of the day we’ve spent talking and the nights we’ve seen each other sleep. I’d like you to reminisce the old times, the exchange of warmth and comfort, the precious unique gifts…and if nothing is strong enough to soothe the pain, close your eyes and feel my existence, feel my hand touching yours, my arms holding you tight and feel your lips on mine. No matter how much you hate me for leaving you in this mortal life, your love for me weighs much more to let you survive.

Neither Life nor death can take away those moments we’ve spent together, and for the sake of the love filled in every moment of those memorable days, I today ask u to forgive me, Forgiveness for not making you a part of my grief as I promised a smile upon your face, forgiveness for not believing in you and letting our thing go away.

I was in love since forever and it grew as I grow, it settled down and lived inside and then I pinch it out of my life. I don’t know why it was done; I’ll just say that was destined to happen.

And for you don’t you, I am glad that I made it easier for you. Blaming me rather than yourself for the killing seclusion is way better than seeing your entire life standing in front of you to walk upon with millions of steps that follow lament and pain.

I wasted my life whining about mistakes, and now that the end seems near I’m afraid your love would just disappear, as I know how much I still mean to you. I thought I was the one in our relation that loved you more, but later realized you secretly overflowed the bucket. I am sorry for not being able to handle that love, and I am sorry for letting so much of you waste away, but one thing my dear I assure you, though great, the pain was never higher than the affection.

I might fail to make things better between us, but I just want you to know, I’ve never loved anyone as dearly as I’ve loved you and that you are and will always be the one closest to my heart. I love you so much that I can literally, and you know how much I mean it when I’m all sentimental and drowned in tears; I would literally drown myself in the sea and cut through my throat to breathe once again to tell you that I love you and then peacefully drive my soul to the seven skies assuring that my last scrap of life wasn’t about nothing but dedicated onto proving my love to you.

PS - The Girl who ruined your life