Disappointed.

I tried to give you all that I could think you could’ve wished for, anything and everything that I thought was your desire, and yet in the end, you say you’ve lost. I wish there was at least one time when it was just about me,  I wish I was a priority not for anyone else, atleast for myself.

I tried so hard to be that one person you always wanted me to be, to love you unconditionally, to be there when ever you need me and never complain if you’re not. To care and adore but never be possessive, I was an extremist, ill always be…but I changed that for you. I made myself into something I wasn’t, something I never wanted to be, just to have you in my life. The thought of losing you made me so reluctant to my own set standards and pushed me to so hard that I was one step from falling off.

I was warned at each step, I was laughed at every time, but I kept ignoring and it was always easy. The world was never a problem, I had the strength to deal with it, you gave me the strength, u made me strong but I never had thought even in my scariest night mares, that you could be the ‘world’ one day.

When I cry and someone sitting somewhere laughs won’t bring a slightest change in my behavior, attitude or anything else, I wouldn’t complain or notice causie I obviously wont be there when he cries, and I wont be there by choice. But you tought me that I shouldn’t complain when you’re not around, bevause Im there for you by choice, but yes you’ve got your own explanation of the statement. It always those ‘reasons’ that drag you away from me, and those ‘reasons’ are always something that I don’t get and something I wouldn’t keep as my priority, those ‘reasons’ always hit you when im down on my knees, when my heart needs you bad and when im all alone.

You cried and begged for me to understand, yet everytime it seemed like a lame excuse that could have been changed or altered, if not atleast the behavior and attitude of yours could’ve been better.. it happened everytime, how you ditched how I complained.

I never claimed to be was perfect, never even said that I was better, I just believe I was what you wanted, well at least until today. But you told me you’ve lost, your words woke me up, told me how stupid I am for running effortlessly.

It was so easy to lie to u, and why It wasn’t ever before, that ive no clue, but I kept hiding stuff and smiling and you never noticed and figured out because you did get what you wanted. You had all the love I could give and that made me realize it was what you wanted, not me, nothing except a part of me that loves.

You gave me reasons to not expect, you gave me reasons to step back. I wonder if you ever loved me, cause the moment I started being me, you pointed out flaws in me. But u were so greedy for love, u dealt with it, and when my lfie was nothing but you, all I could think was how to not hurt you. Very vague memories of when you very happy with what I did or said being me, if I was so bad you should’ve left me the moment you saw it. You hold on to me, and then throw me away in the end, what do you expect me to think of you.

I still love you and the last wish I have before I leave this world is to hate you....though for one second, I wish I could stop loving you for a moment, one wish , one last desire…I owe myself that much.