hello.

Things are always a mess when I start posting another entry here, but it’s comical how I feel a lot better by the time I actually post it. While people have siblings, friends, books, mobile phones or psps, I have a keyboard and my pen. I actually find myself quiet lucky to be able to write, it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am at it. Writing is one thing that have always given me a lot more than I expected, infact each time I was attracted to it more. Even when I gave up on it, it didn’t, and today after so many months I’m back with millions of stories inside my head.

Nothing aligned or organized, it’s a pool of words that forms an ocean and drowns me inside. After seeing how bad I am with people and relations, I’ve decided not to invite any further mess. It’s good to be reserved and lonely rather than having a bunch of people who you can’t rely on. No offence meant to my friends or any other person reading this, it’s just a random thought, an observation I strongly believe.

Every time I complain about either a friend or family, there are many who oppose my thought, they have thousands of reasons and facts to prove me wrong, every time they strive to make me realize that I’m mistaken and things aren’t the way I see. Every time I’m accused of being immature and small minded however I haven’t met a more optimistic mind than mine in ages. Well it’s natural that I ignore the compliments and keep whining about the comments they passed on me, but It works good for me.

I’m the kind of person who enjoys knowing more about me, and every other day is a new experience. All the stupid steps that I take make me cry and laugh after wards, but in the long run I’m glad that there isn’t a part of life that I’m not missing on.

Vagueness inside...

Life is an unpredicted journey where we won’t ever be ready. We think as we grow that we gain experience that helps us future and yet it’s just another topping on the layers of our myths and fake beliefs.

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I again tried to figure out what is it that bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot yet to learn and no matter what age I be, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile, the questions form a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams and all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quiet realized I ‘showed off’, like people wana be rich and pretty and smart and everything cool, I wana be happy. And after this thought I sympathized myself. Is that all what I need from life, and after a brief pause I cheerly shouted ‘yes’. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I need to make my life perfect.

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are, and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. In the quest of finding what I really wanted, I was like a 7 year old child where one day i wanted to stand on the moon and on the other I wanted a chocolate factory of my own. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and now it’s nothing but a tragic mess.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it din work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

Reality check- I'm Changing...

Mid s were on their way to attack our brains, but I was pre-occupied. While the marketing concept and the author’s craft were down on paper, my mind kept playing with thoughts of the uncertainty. What was it that was bothering me since past few weeks, maybe months…well nothing in particular but I was concerned about a hell lot of things.

Like a note written in ink washed away by a spill of water, all my thoughts were messed up inside. Beneath smile I hid a lot, no pain inside I had indeed, but it was bad I knew it for sure. Every morning was worse, the start of a day with a wish to escape. It wasn’t late when I realized the person I used to be was lost. Optimistic and bright I was designed to be, but pessimistic and dark I have become.

From a school of fish to an aquarium at home, I’ve moved for no good. The acceptance of the distance just took so long. The time kept passing and everything flowed yet nothing smooth. I wandered alone all the night in my dreams, a walk on the rainbow just to feel the colours inside me, cheering myself up and moving out of the past. I’ve refuted to my own customs and let myself down, for I am sorry to be what I become and the loss of the one I cherished to be.