Contented

You don't always get what you want, in fact most of the time one might complain how things never go their way but if looked upon from another perspective, you might actually understand that with every bit of light taken away from you, a part of darkness goes away too.

One of my best friends got nikkah-fied and I wasn't able to be a part of her big day. The ceremony was in the country I'm currently staying though another city, but going was possible...I've been planning on what to wear and how to go from about 12 months and in the end things came up and I missed it.

The time when I was told I won't be able to attend the event at 1pm next day, I couldn't stop crying and being angry at all those who made it less possible... I remember clearly spending the entire class crying and the following night sulking, was rude to almost everyone who talked to me [and I apologize now] and hated every bit of my life. It was a moment when everything and everyone was just another thing and person I wish didn’t exist, seemed like my life ended and I had no purpose to live: p I couldn’t think of a time when I was any more depressed and I kept justifying my absurd behavior by telling myself and other how important it was for me to go and how I’ve been working and thinking on it ever since I came to know!

During those funny hours when I was on my bed in an insanely dramatic pose sobbing and sniveling about how unfair life is and how the world came down crashing in the blink of an eye, wondering how happy I used to be and thinking of myself as a tragic phenomenon of this century; I failed to realize how immature and typically juvenile I was being. A few hours later when the night passed and I got to see faces of the few people I love and my day started as routine and things seemed pretty much normal, when I could actually ‘think’ and life wasn’t after all ‘dark and gloomy’ I realized how all my friends made an effort to cheer me up, not to mention I didn’t miss any chance to exploit it and even though they knew it , each one of them kept being incredibly adoring and exceedingly caring, you guys didn’t make it so obvious, it is understood when you do something even though everybody knows how much you hate to.

Anyway the purpose of writing all of this was just to express how much I appreciate my life; you’ll find many reasons as well, you only have to look for it! Life is indeed overrated, it always has the best for you, and all you need is a new perspective J

Disappointed.

I tried to give you all that I could think you could’ve wished for, anything and everything that I thought was your desire, and yet in the end, you say you’ve lost. I wish there was at least one time when it was just about me,  I wish I was a priority not for anyone else, atleast for myself.

I tried so hard to be that one person you always wanted me to be, to love you unconditionally, to be there when ever you need me and never complain if you’re not. To care and adore but never be possessive, I was an extremist, ill always be…but I changed that for you. I made myself into something I wasn’t, something I never wanted to be, just to have you in my life. The thought of losing you made me so reluctant to my own set standards and pushed me to so hard that I was one step from falling off.

I was warned at each step, I was laughed at every time, but I kept ignoring and it was always easy. The world was never a problem, I had the strength to deal with it, you gave me the strength, u made me strong but I never had thought even in my scariest night mares, that you could be the ‘world’ one day.

When I cry and someone sitting somewhere laughs won’t bring a slightest change in my behavior, attitude or anything else, I wouldn’t complain or notice causie I obviously wont be there when he cries, and I wont be there by choice. But you tought me that I shouldn’t complain when you’re not around, bevause Im there for you by choice, but yes you’ve got your own explanation of the statement. It always those ‘reasons’ that drag you away from me, and those ‘reasons’ are always something that I don’t get and something I wouldn’t keep as my priority, those ‘reasons’ always hit you when im down on my knees, when my heart needs you bad and when im all alone.

You cried and begged for me to understand, yet everytime it seemed like a lame excuse that could have been changed or altered, if not atleast the behavior and attitude of yours could’ve been better.. it happened everytime, how you ditched how I complained.

I never claimed to be was perfect, never even said that I was better, I just believe I was what you wanted, well at least until today. But you told me you’ve lost, your words woke me up, told me how stupid I am for running effortlessly.

It was so easy to lie to u, and why It wasn’t ever before, that ive no clue, but I kept hiding stuff and smiling and you never noticed and figured out because you did get what you wanted. You had all the love I could give and that made me realize it was what you wanted, not me, nothing except a part of me that loves.

You gave me reasons to not expect, you gave me reasons to step back. I wonder if you ever loved me, cause the moment I started being me, you pointed out flaws in me. But u were so greedy for love, u dealt with it, and when my lfie was nothing but you, all I could think was how to not hurt you. Very vague memories of when you very happy with what I did or said being me, if I was so bad you should’ve left me the moment you saw it. You hold on to me, and then throw me away in the end, what do you expect me to think of you.

I still love you and the last wish I have before I leave this world is to hate you....though for one second, I wish I could stop loving you for a moment, one wish , one last desire…I owe myself that much.

DEATH- A Chilling Thought

I am a mortal being, then how dare I neglect the eternal fact and make promises forever. Forever is a cliché, It neither has a face nor an existence, but Death does.

I might live for years treasuring my possessions and creating my own life, but in the process of doing so why did I forget I am perhaps a possession of Him. I accept and I expect new lives to be brought in my way, then why do I complain to Him for taking His own lives away. Everything comes to an end after all! Life isn’t like a dream nor like a movie, can’t always be perfect can neither be crafted by hands or pens...it is indeed a magical world created by our Miraculous God. What my God has planned I dare do not know, but He tells me about it, that it is what our future awaits.

A tiny fear that lies beneath the heart of all, from the richest in this world to the most poor, to the happiest and also the most miserable, Death it is. What human is he, if he doesn’t believe in death? Who denies the dreadful existence? We humans perceptibly hold no right and perhaps no power to challenge the inescapable and inexorable death.

It is certainly beyond our understanding; the secret fortune Allah has blessed us with, in some cases which could be rearticulated as ‘destiny we are cursed with.’ Life perhaps turns out to be very insignificant and very short to be observed and talked about when compared, just a fatal existence that is puffed up in every potential way every time, unfortunately everywhere. It’s depressing how we see lives taken away everyday and yet not realize that it is where we will be someday. We prefer ignoring rather than thinking of our time, we prefer hiding it rather than facing.

True that we hide it deep inside, but it comes out one day, it has to. A terror trapped inside, the most bloodcurdling and frightening of all, an existence that deteriorates the mightiest being and diminishes the most awful ache, it is indeed what reminds us of Allah and it is indeed what we Muslims struggle for. Death, however is the most disturbing of all, can be at times a blissful invitation for someone, while knowing how horrendous it is yet we still don’t know how dreadfully horrifying it can be for someone!

Every human in this world lives to make his ending better, somehow or in some way. All that we do in this planet adds to our deeds, either it covers the way further or removes a hurdle from the way but we know it is all recorded till the end. We don’t wana die insulted, we don’t wana die with no good place to go, we don’t wana die manically but what we all want is a peaceful death. When our life ends, all we Muslims wish for is a safe way back home, where the ummah of our dear prophet belongs to; we all wana clear our easy way direct to the heavens! Well let’s wish we all do, but who are we fooling, ourselves? c’mon aren’t you aware of your daily rituals? Do you actually think you’re clearing your way? Well think again, you’re not struggling enough!

Our future is unpredictable, though millions claim to predict and discern, but tomorrow is never known to us humans except for the fact that somewhere someday death will find us. Its funny how the strongest and most intellectual bureaucrats in this world know, and up till now can’t hinder neither the world nor themselves from the gruesome death. Even the thought of which is spine tingling and horrifying, no wonder we can’t wonder what it actually might be.

When you realize your inner fear isn’t wealth or any worldly beings, you know you’re afraid of your mortality. When the leaves blow that block the dark side of your heart, you can see it coming. And nothing remains here now, nothing! There is possibly no escape, but there is a way to make it less fearful, give Him a reason to have mercy on you, give Him a reason to not punish you, give Him a reason to show kindness and be amused by His great kind-heartedness and benevolence. Give Him just one reason and save yourself from the ruthless end of this life, give Him just one for He has given you many…