Me with myself all over again.

I know I’ve got my words to play with when everything and everybody else have turned their back on me. And how glad I am that I can at least talk to myself about it, I wish I learned it before.

Of all the things I’ve ever wished for, this one was never a part of the list. every time the thought hit my mind, I used to divert myself and not think if there could be almost, maybe, possibly, probably even the slightest of chance of the thought being right, but how was I supposed to know that all the unexpected is reality. Back then I wasn’t aware of the fact that the scary stuff beyond your worst nightmares could actually be a part of your miserable life someday, and looking at my life filled with all the reality that’s worse than a nightmare, a life I never could’ve possibly projected or anticipated...Well I probably shouldn’t go on, we all eventually learn how life is irrepressible, insurmountable, disobedient, disorderly and so on and so forth... But yes even all grown up and having problems other than school life and exam questions, I never thought it could happen.

Of all the things in life, the one part that has been like a curse was the moment of confession. Where it all started, and how happy I was in that particular moment of time, I’ve regretted it more than anything lately, I’ve been in a state of denial for as long as I can remember. Should I blame myself and let go all I have or wait until life resolves self created hurdles. 

Letter Of Regret

Dear Friend,

It can never be explained or told, love can only be felt. And as stupid as I was to let go this feeling, I leave no meaning at all to all of the world’s most powerful words, but I’m still saying it just in case it could pass thru you, ‘I miss you…’

What I had with you was indescribable, the bond so strong that I literally died each second I wasn’t with you. It’s unusual to find a best friend that is cool enough to make it up to term, and even more unusual to find a person who loves you intimately even after seeing the worst of you, especially when the worst is for him. And  I’d call myself fortunate  if I hadn’t been so wrong in making decisions, if I didn’t make a mistake of having kept all of my worst for you. I’ve always pushed you away from myself, despite of the fact that you were the only person in the world that knew me more than myself. I might have my reasons for doing so, and since I know they’re all useless to you I wouldn’t bother listing them down, and if it feels any right, I now have understood how silly I was, no excuse is good enough to let go your love.

I have always loved myself before being with you, I did so much and so crazy yet no regrets or guilt was there. Right and wrong all I had crossed, but never stuck so bad. But since I’ve had this time with me, the guilt and regret is worse than anything I’ve been through. I hate myself for being so selfish, and I can’t bear out how much disgust is filled within me for the person who has been inconsiderate to you, and for a person who loved herself like I did, nothing can be more remorseful than having forever to blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

The last thing on earth I wanted was, to see tears in your eyes, and how fateful I must say I am to be doing it myself. I’m so sorry for being ridiculously awful and so meaningless, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I know this won’t even help cure even half of the pain I’ve given u, but there’s a hope knowing that you’ve always read what’s in my heart and not shown on my face , that you’ll know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry for all those times of your life that I lied to you about being together forever, I’m sorry for loving you more each time the thought of leaving you arrived, I’m sorry for not letting you face the reality, I’m so sorry for the love and the hugs that were just to hide the unwanted pain. But how could I tell you that its wrong when everything felt so right, how was I supposed to wake u up when you were living a dream of your life.

Yes I am aware of what I did to you, and yes I know it’s not something one can forget. I understand if you hate me for eternal and even if you never wish to see me again, but I would like you to remember all the hours of the day we’ve spent talking and the nights we’ve seen each other sleep. I’d like you to reminisce the old times, the exchange of warmth and comfort, the precious unique gifts…and if nothing is strong enough to soothe the pain, close your eyes and feel my existence, feel my hand touching yours, my arms holding you tight and feel your lips on mine. No matter how much you hate me for leaving you in this mortal life, your love for me weighs much more to let you survive.

Neither Life nor death can take away those moments we’ve spent together, and for the sake of the love filled in every moment of those memorable days, I today ask u to forgive me, Forgiveness for not making you a part of my grief as I promised a smile upon your face, forgiveness for not believing in you and letting our thing go away.

I was in love since forever and it grew as I grow, it settled down and lived inside and then I pinch it out of my life. I don’t know why it was done; I’ll just say that was destined to happen.

And for you don’t you, I am glad that I made it easier for you. Blaming me rather than yourself for the killing seclusion is way better than seeing your entire life standing in front of you to walk upon with millions of steps that follow lament and pain.

I wasted my life whining about mistakes, and now that the end seems near I’m afraid your love would just disappear, as I know how much I still mean to you. I thought I was the one in our relation that loved you more, but later realized you secretly overflowed the bucket. I am sorry for not being able to handle that love, and I am sorry for letting so much of you waste away, but one thing my dear I assure you, though great, the pain was never higher than the affection.

I might fail to make things better between us, but I just want you to know, I’ve never loved anyone as dearly as I’ve loved you and that you are and will always be the one closest to my heart. I love you so much that I can literally, and you know how much I mean it when I’m all sentimental and drowned in tears; I would literally drown myself in the sea and cut through my throat to breathe once again to tell you that I love you and then peacefully drive my soul to the seven skies assuring that my last scrap of life wasn’t about nothing but dedicated onto proving my love to you.

PS - The Girl who ruined your life

Vagueness inside...

Life is an unpredicted journey where we won’t ever be ready. We think as we grow that we gain experience that helps us future and yet it’s just another topping on the layers of our myths and fake beliefs.

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I again tried to figure out what is it that bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot yet to learn and no matter what age I be, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile, the questions form a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams and all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quiet realized I ‘showed off’, like people wana be rich and pretty and smart and everything cool, I wana be happy. And after this thought I sympathized myself. Is that all what I need from life, and after a brief pause I cheerly shouted ‘yes’. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I need to make my life perfect.

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are, and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. In the quest of finding what I really wanted, I was like a 7 year old child where one day i wanted to stand on the moon and on the other I wanted a chocolate factory of my own. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and now it’s nothing but a tragic mess.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it din work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

I wasn’t pissed at them; it was the pigeon that ditched me last night. I was lost in my seven years old story, when I first time met him. I’m not used to of keeping a journal, but if I did at that time, it would’ve said something like this…

‘Dear Friend, (if that’s how it starts…

I saw a pigeon today, it looked beautiful. It was white as snow and clear as a pearl, I've only dreamed about such flawless beauty so it sure was a sight to see. It sat on the branch of a tree right beside me, I turned towards the tree and I couldn't get my eyes off it. 



I only fantasized a little and it started to take off, as it moved in the right direction, I ran after it...Following it all the way into the jungle bare foot, forgetting that I cannot fly, forgetting it was way beyond my league, forgetting who I was I just ran to capture one more glance of the damn pretty thing.’

‘…Its been a week, and I’m still following it, it does sound crazy; running after something that you secretly believe you can’t ever get, but I don wana regret later..So ill keep following it until it comes to me.And even if it never does, I’m sure it’ll take me to some place better than this. Following my own dream wouldn’t get me into big trouble, that’s what I believe…’

A part of me still believes that, while the other is lost since that very day…My faith was right but it proved me wrong, I guess I wasn’t running for nothing, but yes I do wish I did!

‘…Months have passed yet I can’t be repulsive towards it, my keenness to want it have been raised…I still run every time it departs, I still sit back and stare at it during night…days are less relaxing for us, it knows I’ve been following it, it doesn’t react on it much..But I’m glad he knows…’

‘Today ‘It’ became a ‘he’ for me…I and the pigeon are now good friends, he appreciate how I’ve been there for him and helped in during rainy days, he understands how much I care for him and how much I adore him. I think I’ve fallen for his flawless attractiveness and I’m pretty sure he likes me too, but let’s not ruin the moment and enjoy the pleasures of uncertainty.’

If only I did…sometimes things are better unsaid, some questions are better uncovered, and sometimes possession isn’t everything!

‘It was a different look; I knew for sure it’s the right time. We both promised to stay together always. Now I’m letting him sleep as he stopped to give me some rest. How caring of him to understand I’m a human and walking bare feet isn’t a piece of cake, only if I could express enough gratitude to him for understanding something he never felt, and won’t ever come across.’

Those were the days of life, there was a strange excitement in everything we did or said together...even seeing him fly was so exotic that it made me feel like I have my own wings, as days passed and nights spend helping and understanding each other, we were pretty much happy as far as I remember.

‘I love him more now…he is a different person to me, a part of him that I never knew. I touched him for the first time, it was soft and obsessive. With him days are brighter and nights are more wonderful than ever…’

I don’t deny that those times were great, I just can’t figure out why life is like this to me now. I go back a few years and then when I return, I keep wondering if it’s still me that’s living, or u took the nice-err part away and I’m left with just what I don’t like.

‘you stay in the palm of my hands most of the time, talking to you is like letting out all the burden from inside of me and throwing it in a river that washes them away. I’m the happiest with you; you’ve brought the best part out of me…’

…and how would I know at that time that you would go and take that very part along with you…

Its been years now…I’ve grown up, I stopped fantasizing… I’ve stopped dreaming about us, about my life with you, about all that’s not practical and about anything that seems fake…and if I did have a journal, today the pages would say…

‘I ran in the jungle barefoot; just to catch a sight of you. I potentially put my entire life on stake, for living a dream with you. I have you now and after all these years, I don’t know what to do with you… I’ve no more to talk about, no more to share. You don't have anymore adventures for me as I’ve grown up. Did we ever go along? No, it was always one living while the other compromising, welcome to reality my love…we both are now tired…’

And if I did have a journal, it would end with my last words sealed in for no one to know.

‘…I let go today, I’ve set you free, for it is where you belong. You know I am right, but you hate me for being right, you weren’t ready, I wasn’t ready, but I din have a choice. How long can I hold onto something like this, to someone like you…’

‘…I am living in this cruel world now, I see and I know that I cannot fly, I believed but I don’t today, that I had wings… the sky is far again and the sand is what I walk on again… my grave would be underground, beneath the soil I shall be buried. I know I’m a human and I know what I am; I know we don’t belong together so I set u free…’

This would bring my seven years' story to an end, but if I’m stupid enough to believe that this would end my love for you... I need to wake up and realize. Whatever happens is for the best, we both din belong together…