Building up Rage

Vent out women, before you burst into tiny pieces of bullshit and crap!

It's so hard to stay quiet at times, I wish I know what Allah had planned for me. Sometimes things and people just get under your skin and no matter how tolerable and patient you are, it gets impossibly hard to suffer. 

I will survive like everyone else but I wish for once I didn't have to, I wish i'd live like I dream, like they see me living. 

All of the secrets and all of the sacrifices, too many to tell, too less to count. Just wish i'd hit the equilibrium someday.

Life, stop being shitty.

Allah - Make me stronger and please stop testing me. Love me and love me good, make it easy and just be Rahman! please :(

Fucking Lost!

It's been a while since I've penned down my bewildering thoughts and desires and I possibly couldn't regret it any more. All of the time I wasted on bonding with others is just that, wastage of time. I wish I'd come back sooner and just vent it all out using ordinary words of an ordinary page.
Life keeps changing and we all sometimes embrace it while most of the time repent it or try to bring back what's gone. I myself had a very, very hard time dealing with my changing world, even today it's overwhelming. I still struggle to fit myself into the life I've created by my very own hands.
It's weird how your thoughts can build up a web which is impossible for you to escape or to inhabit, it's just perplexing and consumes all of you.
I wonder at times if I'm any different than the rest of the people, I often find myself doing and believing against all odds but then I believe we see what we want, isn't it? I wish life was simpler sometimes, that not all questions were unanswered, that we didn't wonder as much. I often find myself pertaining to sleep because of this raveling thunderstorms of what ifs..sometimes nights are all about sobbing and sulking while sometimes, just when I'm lucky enough, peace finds its way to my heart.
Words are very strong, they can express and articulate the extremist of feelings and the broadest of desires yet I feel short of words to express myself. I feel I'll never be able to relate to another being on a level where I feel comfortable enough to break into peaces thinking they'll be there to pick em up. I found the best of friends, I found true love...it's all great, how its spoken about in books and how magical its meant to be but neither friendship nor love brings me the contentment that I can to my life.
There are certain things that control my life, I can't decide if I let them or its just how it is but the great deal of influence they have on me can't be ignored. I find myself trying so so hard to be happy, beating all odds and fighting the dark and gloomy thoughts of my head, confronting the evil and confronting myself, I wish.. I just wish once I'd know where I actually belong!

“I support PTI. I don’t support its supporters.”

“I support PTI. I don’t support its supporters.”

Posted on May 13, 2013

 By Parisa Siddiqi

Everyone is aware of the electoral problems of NA 250 in Karachi and my polling station at DHA girls college phase 8 had similar problems where polling didn’t start till 12:30 pm. I arrived there with my family at 7:45 am and expected to be done earlier but when there was no news of the ballot boxes till 10 am, we decided to go for breakfast and then come back later.

While we were having breakfast and devising our plan for the day, a family came and sat next to us and their young daughter was proudly sporting an Imran Khan kurta. The girl’s mother who looked like a sensible lady turned to us and asked us whether we had voted yet or not. We told her we were still waiting. Then without a moment of hesitation, she asked us, “Who are you voting for?” Her husband looked embarrassed and in a meek voice pointed to her that she shouldn’t ask that. I guess he understood it was inappropriate. But she ignored him and continued to look at us waiting for an answer clearly not understanding her intrusion. My mother politely said, “That’s a very personal question” and hoped that would be the end of it. Like all “aunties” in our culture she did not have any boundaries either. She continued to insist, “No, but still?” We all looked uncomfortably at each other and again trying to be polite yet give her the hint, my cousin said, “everyone is voting for different people on this table.” We really thought she would shut up now. She still insisted, “No but still… who is the majority voting for?” Understanding that she would not give up without an answer and we would not be able to get back to our breakfast till we answered her, we hesitantly said, “PTI, MQM and Jibran Nasir.” She looked confused. In regards to the last choice she said, “Who’s that?” I said, “An independent candidate.” She was clearly not impressed. She finally gave up and stopped harassing us.

We went back to our polling station around 3 pm and got in line to vote again. I had been reading various articles that no cell phones would be allowed and was going through voting ethics and other rules and regulations as I was a first time voter. I learned that one is not supposed to wear badges, flags or any accessories that represents any political party, there would be no chanting of any party’s name, no canvassing, no-one should ask the other person who they plan to vote for or even try to tell another person who to vote for as it can influence decisions.

As I entered, there was no checking of cell phones to my pleasant surprise so I thought I could keep in touch with my husband as he was in a separate line. And then I was taken aback when I saw there were so many people in Imran Khan kurtas and PTI flags.

There was constant discussion of who to vote for and women telling each other, “You must vote for the balla.” It somehow made me uncomfortable just because I had always been lukewarm about voting for PTI and I never appreciated people not respecting my decision and trying to imply that I was incapable of making the correct decision if I didn’t vote for PTI. I had my reasons but had no intentions of getting into any discussions with anyone as I strongly believe in respecting every one’s right to their own choice. But since PTI voters were in majority they were fearless in expressing their choice and comfortable in trying to convert others as well.

As we got closer to the polling desk, I heard heated voices break out between two women. As there are workers from various parties, there was a woman from MQM as well who had been trying to manage things helpfully and amicably like all others. But suddenly I saw her screaming and later I learned that there was a PTI voter who had already voted and now she was standing there telling everyone to vote for the “Balla”. The PTI volunteers were encouraging this. The woman said that she had been seeing this happen all day and no-one was stopping anyone from doing this. She insisted that, “this was wrong and what kind of elections are these. Why the hell are we here if you just have to turn a blind eye to all of it?” I completely understood her frustration. But to my utter shock, some women in front of me reacted by screaming, “So why shouldn’t she do it? She is doing the right thing.” Another woman responded casually, “So what, it’s not like she would change anyone’s mind. Everyone has decided who they are voting for.” My question to them would be that if this would have been an MQM supporter telling everyone to vote for the “Patang”or PPP insisting to vote for the “teer”, would their reactions have been the same then? I’m sure it would be considered outright harassment.  

This was not as aggressive as what was happening at other polling stations but how was this any different? I may be being harsh but to me it was a more refined way of rigging. You are outright trying to influence voters which is ethically wrong, not to mention illegal as well. I understand one supports their party but to be so ignorant and incapable of understanding what you are doing wrong was incomprehensible by me. This was Defence, the so-called elite and educated class who usually believe they are better than the rest of Karachi. More so, majority being PTI supporters who immediately think they are better than the supporters of other parties. Yet it did not reflect in their behavior.

3 and half hours later when I met my husband, he told me similar things were going on in the polling station next to ours. People who already voted stood around and as every voter that came out, they asked them who they voted for, and if the reply was “Balla” they started cheering and chanting, encouraging more people to vote for the bat. This all happened in front of the PTI representatives but no-one actually stopped them as it could instigate problems which it inevitably did. The MQM representatives and supporters had enough. This resulted in the famous incident at the polling station where six to seven boys barged in that created a panic. People said that they came to scare voters while others said they came to steal ballot boxes. That may have been true but it started from here. The boys were eventually beaten up by the rangers and taken away where a couple of them managed to get away.

I am not defending what the boys did but neither can I defend the PTI supporters who were outright disrespecting the rules and regulations of the electoral process. The thought process that since it was happening in support of PTI, it was alright. I am sorry. It isn’t. Rules and regulations apply to each and everyone in the same manner and isn’t that what the PTI manifesto represents? There is a clear distinction between right and wrong and if one thinks that they have a ticket to do it just because of the party they believe in and the fact that they were in majority there so they can get away with anything, then they are no different from the MQM karkuns or the PPP jiyalas.

The next day there were protests against the rigging of elections. People were outraged and rightly so as their right to vote had been hijacked. I respect each and every individual who went out there. I don’t personally agree that something that should have been represented as a national problem was again being seen solely as a PTI problem. However, PTI supporters being in majority, they easily dominated the scene with Imran Khan chants. However, I learned from someone present at the protest that he also witnessed signs that had abuses against Altaf Hussain and the party written on it and many chanted the same.

I understand the anger but in a volatile situation, this was simply irresponsible. This was surely going to provoke something major and anyone living in Karachi for a while should have enough common sense to realize that. What Mr. Altaf Hussain said in response was something insane on a whole other level. This just went to show how emotions can aggravate an already bad situation. If this was a protest against the general problem of rigging then every single party was being accused from PML-N to MQM to even PTI. Yet this seemed as a war within Karachi. The Insaafians against the Muttahidas. In Lahore, PTI supporters clashed with PML-N, both showing themselves as the victims later on. It really felt like this protest lost its focus along the way. I truly hope that other protests that take place will be conducted with more dignity and people will manage to stick to the point.

Facebook was flooded with posts and videos of other rigging incidents. The reaction was rightfully harsh until a video popped up where  a PTI candidate in Multan was being accused of rigging. I was expecting an uproar, instead there was silence. Maybe it’s the same disbelief that I had. But after the moment of shock I want to ask PTI the same questions others are being asked. Even if there is one percent chance of this video being true, I want answers. Instead people are calling it a fake video and a conspiracy against Imran Khan. Why does he deserve this benefit of the doubt?

Imran Khan is already being accused of filling his party with questionable candidates that belonged to other parties in the past. If this candidate, Al Haaj Saeed Ahmed Qureshi, is under suspicion and the video clearly shows he is looking at the ballot papers that are being stamped which is also illegal, then he should be investigated and PTI supporters should insist and protest that if these allegations are true then he should be disqualified from the party. And now ANP has also protested that they suspect rigging in KPK by PTI. This should be treated just as seriously.

Moreover, Dr. Arif Alvi’s revelation of having 6 stamps that he showed on Dawn news back fired as Mr. Raza Haroon questioned him that how did he get a hold of those stamps. And even if he had them why had they not been turned into the police as evidence?  I am not saying that this accusation against him is true but perhaps he should have been more sensible in going about it and not have such an accusation come his way.

PTI candidates were also accused by other parties and caught on camera that they were seen canvassing outside the polling stations which is grounds for disqualification.

Unfortunately it is such acts by the candidates themselves that brings criticism upon the party and they are called inexperienced and immature. Mr. Hassan Nisar candidly stated in his analysis on Geo’s show that, “PTI mein josh hee josh tha aur PML-N mein hosh hee hosh.”  However, he points out the strength of PTI and he is happy that they have emerged as a much needed third party. This will be the first time they will be sitting in the parliament as a strong opposition party and this will give them the experience they require and an opportunity to put their capabilities to test.

Ultimately, it is usually the party members and the supporters that tarnish the party reputation. I hope PTI supporters will understand that joining protests, chanting and screaming is not the only way to support a party. When you drape a flag over your shoulder, you also bear the responsibility of upholding its reputation. I fear that the same mentality is taking over the PTI supporters who will turn a blind eye to even the wrong doings of PTI just because the level of support or the so-called spirit that runs so high. Honestly, that is not helping the party nor the country. It simply means turning it into yet another popular party with the same irrational “karkuns” where emotions and “josh” cloud sensible judgment. How can you expect the country to change when you are not willing to change yourself?

Pre Election Fever!

With elections approaching, I see posts supporting PTI, PML-N, PPP and Pervaiz Musharraf more often than ever on my news feed. The media going crazy with a repeat telecast of speeches by all our so called leaders and all I see is Imran Khan and Either of Sharif brothers criticizing on each other’s steps and statements more than their own, on the other hand the son of Mr.10%, with a flagrant Urdu accent claims to promote Bhutto’s legacy, conversely the deliberation of our beloved dictator to be in power again has made the highlights of our commercialized media.

They keep promoting their ideologies and ‘marketing’ their promises while struggle to prove the other wrong! I for one am tired to see the parties fighting and their supporters having arguments on their behalf! Is it Pakistan we are fighting for? If yes, aren’t we on the same page? Don’t all of us need the same thing? If the ideologies of the various political parties differ, why can’t our ‘great leaders’ work simultaneously to come to a mutual consensus, why does a need to ‘insult’ or ‘oppose’ the other arise?

A question that bothers me, if these leaders can’t even clear their own disputes, if people from their own party shift to another [applicable for both PML-N and PTI] because of some disgruntled demands or some conflicts in beliefs, how do they plan to run an entire nation with a variety of people with different set of beliefs so much eager and desperate for change that they might have no patience at all left in them to cooperate!

I’m not an expert in politics, I hardly know the conspiracies that are part of it, but this fact makes me a part of the majority of Pakistan. True that media uncovers and exposes a lot, but can you really say it’s all believable? Another question then arises, is media reliable? Let us not talk about the credibility of media and move our focus back to Politics.

We are more concerned about the personal lives of our potential leaders, about their furnished homes and their marital status than the things that actually matter! We talk about them with no respect at all; we make our perception based on one fact utterly overlooking the big fat verity of it being wrong! One bad decision and we lose hope, one world cup and we think everything else is a piece of cake.

Corruption doesn’t keep a man from doing well for a country, people who think so are wrong! If someone in power does his job well and then benefits from that position, why can’t we understand it might be worth it, and when someone comes up with a hope and great plans, why can’t we actually give him a chance.

I’m neither against Imran Khan or Shahbaz Shareef, I think they’re both good leaders and would take this country to a better place than it is right now…Although I am also aware of the fact that PML-N has taken wrong turns in the past and those wrong decisions have put a lot at stake but Imran khan on the other hand has majority of the journalists against him, he has no or lets be modest and say a limited control over a government and even when in power, there is a fair possibility that he fails to achieve all that he has promised, not because the man is incapable but because change isn’t as easy as it seems.

People who’re against PML-N continuously condemn the Metro bus project, they keep highlighting the downturns in regards to the daily rent payable to turkey and the shifting of routes and in no way appreciate or even consider it might actually have benefited a few millions of people who commute daily using that particular transport. Furthermore the supporters of PML-N are in denial towards all the wrong decisions made by the party; they have a counter point to every mishap caused and every erroneous act. When it comes to PTI, its supporters aren’t any better. Claiming their decisions to be more ‘civilized’ and rational than the rest and underestimating the supporters of all other parties. The so called educated people who fail at maintaining a decent argument!

Today the world is very much awake; it is more aware and conscious than it ever was. It’s not just Imran Khan who brought ‘josh’ in the youth it’s the media and the expanding social networks that have encouraged all individuals to participate, whether politics or economics, you would see a tremendous increment in the turnout so people stop being ‘jazbati’ and start being ‘logical’.

Voting is a personal matter, save your vote for whoever you think is better and deserves it, if it bothers you to see people following leaders who according to you are less capable than convince them by giving sound arguments but accusations and personal attacks would only aggravate them, and it’s not even an educated man’s approach.

Looking forward to a fair election; may the odds be in our favor!!

Contented

You don't always get what you want, in fact most of the time one might complain how things never go their way but if looked upon from another perspective, you might actually understand that with every bit of light taken away from you, a part of darkness goes away too.

One of my best friends got nikkah-fied and I wasn't able to be a part of her big day. The ceremony was in the country I'm currently staying though another city, but going was possible...I've been planning on what to wear and how to go from about 12 months and in the end things came up and I missed it.

The time when I was told I won't be able to attend the event at 1pm next day, I couldn't stop crying and being angry at all those who made it less possible... I remember clearly spending the entire class crying and the following night sulking, was rude to almost everyone who talked to me [and I apologize now] and hated every bit of my life. It was a moment when everything and everyone was just another thing and person I wish didn’t exist, seemed like my life ended and I had no purpose to live: p I couldn’t think of a time when I was any more depressed and I kept justifying my absurd behavior by telling myself and other how important it was for me to go and how I’ve been working and thinking on it ever since I came to know!

During those funny hours when I was on my bed in an insanely dramatic pose sobbing and sniveling about how unfair life is and how the world came down crashing in the blink of an eye, wondering how happy I used to be and thinking of myself as a tragic phenomenon of this century; I failed to realize how immature and typically juvenile I was being. A few hours later when the night passed and I got to see faces of the few people I love and my day started as routine and things seemed pretty much normal, when I could actually ‘think’ and life wasn’t after all ‘dark and gloomy’ I realized how all my friends made an effort to cheer me up, not to mention I didn’t miss any chance to exploit it and even though they knew it , each one of them kept being incredibly adoring and exceedingly caring, you guys didn’t make it so obvious, it is understood when you do something even though everybody knows how much you hate to.

Anyway the purpose of writing all of this was just to express how much I appreciate my life; you’ll find many reasons as well, you only have to look for it! Life is indeed overrated, it always has the best for you, and all you need is a new perspective J

Appalling Inspiration

The other day when I was asked about my inspiration, I thought for a while. Its funny how I couldn’t think of a person or a thing that inspired me to pen down my thoughts, I gave the notion a lot of time yet days passed and both the extremes of my brain couldn’t search for a pleasing answer. I realize I’m an amateur, yet there had to be a trigger somewhere! After all no one wakes up one morning and goes for divulging their most vulnerable side.

I struggled and skimmed through stuff that I once wrote and read; a lot of things from a lot of different times. Started off reading my own then went from published works of famous writers to random articles by strangers and ended up with realization. There was a lot that I read in the past few days, maybe more than I’ve ever done in my entire life. I then sensed a weird pattern, I remember being asked of my ‘type’ and never being able to answer it. It wasn’t because I wasn’t aware of what I like; but it was exactly because I wasn’t aware of what I like! And how would I, never really had a ‘type’. The thing I discovered was that I never looked for the story or admiring characters, I didn’t care if the author was a best seller or if the articles had good ratings, all I looked for was an enunciation of the fear I had deep down in me. I found it intimidating yet fascinating at the same time.

They say it’s hard to accept what you fear the most, I believe otherwise. Anything is possible but to be in denial about your fear isn’t! One way or the other, all of my imagination and perspective desperately sided towards the dark despite how hard I tried to grip the grey. The depression and anxiety took many forms and ways to come out, just never ended until I admitted unlike life, it isn’t mortal.

I looked up and thought how life inspired me to write, how I realized the worthlessness of materiality, it showed me how words could add emotions and expressions, on which however many diverge. It made sense yet didn’t satisfy me.

Life isn’t eloquent in nature and the words can easily depict the emptiness that is otherwise neglected, it’s a form of art that is often underestimated. Colors could cause mood swings but words can be eternal and even fatal. How the same word can mean thousands of different things and how those words fit in different contexts each time make a complete different sentence, so perhaps it was the words that stimulated my mind. Convincing enough but each time a part of me didn’t agree.

There are many reasons why I write. Mostly to let out what’s inside, things that otherwise I couldn’t have said; other days I’m sharing an observation or an experience. What isn’t palpable is the concept of preserving parts of my life in places that aren’t bound to my mortality.

With that I comprehended that my fear of disappearance is my inspiration. It was the thought of dying that stimulated me to write, the terror was what gave me the right perspective, the mortality was what gave me the attitude. Death is the worst thing that could happen to a being; however for me it turned out to be an inspiration.

And unless my fear is reality, my inspiration remains! Treasuring little pieces of lives, caring about the smallest of smiles, and not just a cliché, but truly and completely living in the moment!

‘Life isn’t good, but life is always fair’ and if there is a birth, there will be a death to balance the equation.

Happy Mothers Day

Our smile is yours and our pain you feel
stunned how selfless o mother you can be

19 years, 4 months and 13 days full of glee
how much great of a love o mother you have given me

Gift as enormous as life
care as much as the water in a sea

Its only possible for a mother like you
to give so much to a daughter like me.

Mothers day is just a simple excuse to let you know what you are to me, I can’t even try returning or doing even as half as much as you’ve done for me. I might not be the best daughter in the world, but I try to be at least good enough for you to be proud of. I apologize for all the times I’ve been bad but I think your heavy daant made u forget all of it and let go the horrifying anger :p hehe. You were the voice I loved to hear as a child, your were the hands that I loved to hold, you were the friend I needed back then...19 years passed and it’s still the same except I grew fonder of you and only if words could express how much I miss you each day. Living far from you made me realize all that you did without telling, all that you gave without us asking, all that you made without complaining and all that you were as a mother that I now miss.

Happy mothers day mama, and not just today but every other day is a day to celebrate having you in my life. I’m not just happy to have you as my mother but so proud to be the daughter of the perfect parents, a guide, a friend, a teacher, a hitler :p

You brought me in this world, raised me as your own, loved me the most and I promise to you that I would in every possible till the end of my life be the person you want me to be, the person you raised me to be, the person that ud be proud to call your daughter. 

Fearful ...

I just heard that one incident can change your life; I never really thought it could happen. I believed that a lot more than just one thing is required for a man to change, but though I wasn’t completely wrong, I never knew things can have such an impact on your soul.

All that happened lately surrounded me with such intense fear and blocked all my thoughts, it was like being trapped inside this dark room and seeing all the things I’ve taken for granted. Sometimes the worst is required to heal you from the bad, and how was I supposed to know what I’ve been missing on if I never really understood how important it is. How would I be thankful for these breaths and these numerous gifts and blessings the Al Mighty has bestowed upon us if I hadn’t known its something that everybody doesn’t have and something that can go away in a blink of an eye.

Only if you have seen death real close you’ll know how bad you want to live. How easily we sometimes wish to end it all for some tragedies or worldly stuff and never realize one day it would go without giving us another chance. The moment I thought I’d lose it, it wasn’t the pain that made me shiver and stammer it was the fear I had inside.  The tears came rolling down and I couldn’t put a pause to them because I didn’t know what exactly they were for. I didn’t want anyone or anything beside me and just wanted to know if I could be there to weep all night long as I knew that is what I wana do.

Be thankful every morning for waking up and be thankful for breathing every second, be thankful for you have a family and be thankful for the food, shelter, clothes and the normal life. Its an irony how we talk about pain and sorrow and never think about people who’re at war or in a hospital literally fighting for every ounce of their life. All they want is to get just another day to see this world, just another breathe to be thankful for, just another chance to live their life.

I was hurt and depressed about the problems I’ve been having lately with friends, studies and stuff, and somehow it got worse every day. I tried pulling myself out of it but then gave up, but the other day seeing all those helpless people around me at the hospital, I felt ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed to be called a Muslim and all I could think of was to desperately ask for forgiveness. To say Alhumdulillah a million times to tell Him, and to the world how thankful I am for each and every thing I have in my life and to say Astagfar for all the mistakes and all the sinful thoughts I’ve done and had every single day of my life. I wanted just another chance, another day to make it up to Him and nothing else, no prayer no dua’a or no wish to have anyone or anything except His forgiveness.

I have no right to be angry at anyone in this world and hence forgiving holds no meaning, but I can apologize to each and every person that I’ve hurt, ever, and I expect forgiveness for its what you would expect from Him too. 

Me with myself all over again.

I know I’ve got my words to play with when everything and everybody else have turned their back on me. And how glad I am that I can at least talk to myself about it, I wish I learned it before.

Of all the things I’ve ever wished for, this one was never a part of the list. every time the thought hit my mind, I used to divert myself and not think if there could be almost, maybe, possibly, probably even the slightest of chance of the thought being right, but how was I supposed to know that all the unexpected is reality. Back then I wasn’t aware of the fact that the scary stuff beyond your worst nightmares could actually be a part of your miserable life someday, and looking at my life filled with all the reality that’s worse than a nightmare, a life I never could’ve possibly projected or anticipated...Well I probably shouldn’t go on, we all eventually learn how life is irrepressible, insurmountable, disobedient, disorderly and so on and so forth... But yes even all grown up and having problems other than school life and exam questions, I never thought it could happen.

Of all the things in life, the one part that has been like a curse was the moment of confession. Where it all started, and how happy I was in that particular moment of time, I’ve regretted it more than anything lately, I’ve been in a state of denial for as long as I can remember. Should I blame myself and let go all I have or wait until life resolves self created hurdles. 

hello.

Things are always a mess when I start posting another entry here, but it’s comical how I feel a lot better by the time I actually post it. While people have siblings, friends, books, mobile phones or psps, I have a keyboard and my pen. I actually find myself quiet lucky to be able to write, it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am at it. Writing is one thing that have always given me a lot more than I expected, infact each time I was attracted to it more. Even when I gave up on it, it didn’t, and today after so many months I’m back with millions of stories inside my head.

Nothing aligned or organized, it’s a pool of words that forms an ocean and drowns me inside. After seeing how bad I am with people and relations, I’ve decided not to invite any further mess. It’s good to be reserved and lonely rather than having a bunch of people who you can’t rely on. No offence meant to my friends or any other person reading this, it’s just a random thought, an observation I strongly believe.

Every time I complain about either a friend or family, there are many who oppose my thought, they have thousands of reasons and facts to prove me wrong, every time they strive to make me realize that I’m mistaken and things aren’t the way I see. Every time I’m accused of being immature and small minded however I haven’t met a more optimistic mind than mine in ages. Well it’s natural that I ignore the compliments and keep whining about the comments they passed on me, but It works good for me.

I’m the kind of person who enjoys knowing more about me, and every other day is a new experience. All the stupid steps that I take make me cry and laugh after wards, but in the long run I’m glad that there isn’t a part of life that I’m not missing on.

Disappointed.

I tried to give you all that I could think you could’ve wished for, anything and everything that I thought was your desire, and yet in the end, you say you’ve lost. I wish there was at least one time when it was just about me,  I wish I was a priority not for anyone else, atleast for myself.

I tried so hard to be that one person you always wanted me to be, to love you unconditionally, to be there when ever you need me and never complain if you’re not. To care and adore but never be possessive, I was an extremist, ill always be…but I changed that for you. I made myself into something I wasn’t, something I never wanted to be, just to have you in my life. The thought of losing you made me so reluctant to my own set standards and pushed me to so hard that I was one step from falling off.

I was warned at each step, I was laughed at every time, but I kept ignoring and it was always easy. The world was never a problem, I had the strength to deal with it, you gave me the strength, u made me strong but I never had thought even in my scariest night mares, that you could be the ‘world’ one day.

When I cry and someone sitting somewhere laughs won’t bring a slightest change in my behavior, attitude or anything else, I wouldn’t complain or notice causie I obviously wont be there when he cries, and I wont be there by choice. But you tought me that I shouldn’t complain when you’re not around, bevause Im there for you by choice, but yes you’ve got your own explanation of the statement. It always those ‘reasons’ that drag you away from me, and those ‘reasons’ are always something that I don’t get and something I wouldn’t keep as my priority, those ‘reasons’ always hit you when im down on my knees, when my heart needs you bad and when im all alone.

You cried and begged for me to understand, yet everytime it seemed like a lame excuse that could have been changed or altered, if not atleast the behavior and attitude of yours could’ve been better.. it happened everytime, how you ditched how I complained.

I never claimed to be was perfect, never even said that I was better, I just believe I was what you wanted, well at least until today. But you told me you’ve lost, your words woke me up, told me how stupid I am for running effortlessly.

It was so easy to lie to u, and why It wasn’t ever before, that ive no clue, but I kept hiding stuff and smiling and you never noticed and figured out because you did get what you wanted. You had all the love I could give and that made me realize it was what you wanted, not me, nothing except a part of me that loves.

You gave me reasons to not expect, you gave me reasons to step back. I wonder if you ever loved me, cause the moment I started being me, you pointed out flaws in me. But u were so greedy for love, u dealt with it, and when my lfie was nothing but you, all I could think was how to not hurt you. Very vague memories of when you very happy with what I did or said being me, if I was so bad you should’ve left me the moment you saw it. You hold on to me, and then throw me away in the end, what do you expect me to think of you.

I still love you and the last wish I have before I leave this world is to hate you....though for one second, I wish I could stop loving you for a moment, one wish , one last desire…I owe myself that much.

Letter Of Regret

Dear Friend,

It can never be explained or told, love can only be felt. And as stupid as I was to let go this feeling, I leave no meaning at all to all of the world’s most powerful words, but I’m still saying it just in case it could pass thru you, ‘I miss you…’

What I had with you was indescribable, the bond so strong that I literally died each second I wasn’t with you. It’s unusual to find a best friend that is cool enough to make it up to term, and even more unusual to find a person who loves you intimately even after seeing the worst of you, especially when the worst is for him. And  I’d call myself fortunate  if I hadn’t been so wrong in making decisions, if I didn’t make a mistake of having kept all of my worst for you. I’ve always pushed you away from myself, despite of the fact that you were the only person in the world that knew me more than myself. I might have my reasons for doing so, and since I know they’re all useless to you I wouldn’t bother listing them down, and if it feels any right, I now have understood how silly I was, no excuse is good enough to let go your love.

I have always loved myself before being with you, I did so much and so crazy yet no regrets or guilt was there. Right and wrong all I had crossed, but never stuck so bad. But since I’ve had this time with me, the guilt and regret is worse than anything I’ve been through. I hate myself for being so selfish, and I can’t bear out how much disgust is filled within me for the person who has been inconsiderate to you, and for a person who loved herself like I did, nothing can be more remorseful than having forever to blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

The last thing on earth I wanted was, to see tears in your eyes, and how fateful I must say I am to be doing it myself. I’m so sorry for being ridiculously awful and so meaningless, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I know this won’t even help cure even half of the pain I’ve given u, but there’s a hope knowing that you’ve always read what’s in my heart and not shown on my face , that you’ll know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry for all those times of your life that I lied to you about being together forever, I’m sorry for loving you more each time the thought of leaving you arrived, I’m sorry for not letting you face the reality, I’m so sorry for the love and the hugs that were just to hide the unwanted pain. But how could I tell you that its wrong when everything felt so right, how was I supposed to wake u up when you were living a dream of your life.

Yes I am aware of what I did to you, and yes I know it’s not something one can forget. I understand if you hate me for eternal and even if you never wish to see me again, but I would like you to remember all the hours of the day we’ve spent talking and the nights we’ve seen each other sleep. I’d like you to reminisce the old times, the exchange of warmth and comfort, the precious unique gifts…and if nothing is strong enough to soothe the pain, close your eyes and feel my existence, feel my hand touching yours, my arms holding you tight and feel your lips on mine. No matter how much you hate me for leaving you in this mortal life, your love for me weighs much more to let you survive.

Neither Life nor death can take away those moments we’ve spent together, and for the sake of the love filled in every moment of those memorable days, I today ask u to forgive me, Forgiveness for not making you a part of my grief as I promised a smile upon your face, forgiveness for not believing in you and letting our thing go away.

I was in love since forever and it grew as I grow, it settled down and lived inside and then I pinch it out of my life. I don’t know why it was done; I’ll just say that was destined to happen.

And for you don’t you, I am glad that I made it easier for you. Blaming me rather than yourself for the killing seclusion is way better than seeing your entire life standing in front of you to walk upon with millions of steps that follow lament and pain.

I wasted my life whining about mistakes, and now that the end seems near I’m afraid your love would just disappear, as I know how much I still mean to you. I thought I was the one in our relation that loved you more, but later realized you secretly overflowed the bucket. I am sorry for not being able to handle that love, and I am sorry for letting so much of you waste away, but one thing my dear I assure you, though great, the pain was never higher than the affection.

I might fail to make things better between us, but I just want you to know, I’ve never loved anyone as dearly as I’ve loved you and that you are and will always be the one closest to my heart. I love you so much that I can literally, and you know how much I mean it when I’m all sentimental and drowned in tears; I would literally drown myself in the sea and cut through my throat to breathe once again to tell you that I love you and then peacefully drive my soul to the seven skies assuring that my last scrap of life wasn’t about nothing but dedicated onto proving my love to you.

PS - The Girl who ruined your life

Vagueness inside...

Life is an unpredicted journey where we won’t ever be ready. We think as we grow that we gain experience that helps us future and yet it’s just another topping on the layers of our myths and fake beliefs.

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I again tried to figure out what is it that bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot yet to learn and no matter what age I be, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile, the questions form a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams and all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quiet realized I ‘showed off’, like people wana be rich and pretty and smart and everything cool, I wana be happy. And after this thought I sympathized myself. Is that all what I need from life, and after a brief pause I cheerly shouted ‘yes’. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I need to make my life perfect.

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are, and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. In the quest of finding what I really wanted, I was like a 7 year old child where one day i wanted to stand on the moon and on the other I wanted a chocolate factory of my own. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and now it’s nothing but a tragic mess.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it din work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

Aching Mile....

I knew why it was happening, suddenly all my dreams and desires crashing down into pieces. Tears couldn’t stop flowing and my heart sank down and ached so hard I couldn’t resist but to scream. The life I was living all these years was a fake, anything and everything I had disappeared into thin air and all I could do was sit and stare. I thought I tried to run after it, but how wrong I was.

They accused me of not understanding, only if they could understand how I felt! It hurts not to see what we’ve been going through, it hurts to see that I do so much and no one cares; it hurts to see how I’ve made sacrifices that are of no value to anyone but just me.

I don’t wish for anything but to be a better person, how I regret all I’ve done, all I still do … I wish I so wish I could change myself. Why is it so hard to forget...to forgive, why does it seem impossible to end something that has no future, something that is though pleasurable but hard to survive? Something I never wanted to start, something I won’t ever be ready for…

And once again, having so many friends yet I’m so alone. It’s nothing that I hide or I can’t say, it’s just everything I never said. Is this me? I often wonder asking myself, will I be this way forever? Or will I be the person I loved to be. You took away all that was charming about me, left me in darkness surrounded by tears and sorrows and my soul drenched in pain.

I wana stop blaming you, stop blaming all those I indict, but looks like I’ve no control over my feelings. One thing that din change about me, that one thing which I’m not very proud of…I’ve always put relations and emotions above my life, I was never my priority but you and others...and even when I got selfish, it din really get me much for myself.

I’m tired, from whatever all this is. Tired of thinking, tired of knowing all that I wish I dint. I can’t help it anymore, I write because I can’t tell anyone. I write to make myself feel better. How can I hate you, I’m supposed to love you, respect u…I’m obliged to be there for u, its nature and its life. BUT I don’t want to…I wana get out of this, but m too scared to choose the only way, m scared of dying... But I don wana be a part of this anymore.

The chill I can feel in my body right now is awful, I wana make it stop; please make it stop for me. Please!
This was a start of new life; I thought it was a beginning of happiness and excitement... It sure was a beginning, maybe it was even new, but definitely not happiness is what it can be called, not very exciting even.

I’m done cursing myself and friends for the miserable life I’m living from a couple of years. But no, I won’t accept that this is my destiny. I refuse to those who say its fate and you can’t do anything about it. I lived with a hope, will always live with a hope… I believe, even if I’m crushed and all dried, I believe there is at least one light that would shine upon me. I am well aware of my sins and my good deeds, and only I know how bad and deep the regret is… I know I am good, better than many, and I know I will pass through this. I know m not alone; it’s me and my writing, together we'll pass this aching mile.

Poetry By Me...: Regretting Pleasure

Poetry By Me...: Regretting Pleasure: Green was the garden and sky was blue with light all around, with love so true Life was a dream, smiles and bloom Tender was your touch, ...

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

I wasn’t pissed at them; it was the pigeon that ditched me last night. I was lost in my seven years old story, when I first time met him. I’m not used to of keeping a journal, but if I did at that time, it would’ve said something like this…

‘Dear Friend, (if that’s how it starts…

I saw a pigeon today, it looked beautiful. It was white as snow and clear as a pearl, I've only dreamed about such flawless beauty so it sure was a sight to see. It sat on the branch of a tree right beside me, I turned towards the tree and I couldn't get my eyes off it. 



I only fantasized a little and it started to take off, as it moved in the right direction, I ran after it...Following it all the way into the jungle bare foot, forgetting that I cannot fly, forgetting it was way beyond my league, forgetting who I was I just ran to capture one more glance of the damn pretty thing.’

‘…Its been a week, and I’m still following it, it does sound crazy; running after something that you secretly believe you can’t ever get, but I don wana regret later..So ill keep following it until it comes to me.And even if it never does, I’m sure it’ll take me to some place better than this. Following my own dream wouldn’t get me into big trouble, that’s what I believe…’

A part of me still believes that, while the other is lost since that very day…My faith was right but it proved me wrong, I guess I wasn’t running for nothing, but yes I do wish I did!

‘…Months have passed yet I can’t be repulsive towards it, my keenness to want it have been raised…I still run every time it departs, I still sit back and stare at it during night…days are less relaxing for us, it knows I’ve been following it, it doesn’t react on it much..But I’m glad he knows…’

‘Today ‘It’ became a ‘he’ for me…I and the pigeon are now good friends, he appreciate how I’ve been there for him and helped in during rainy days, he understands how much I care for him and how much I adore him. I think I’ve fallen for his flawless attractiveness and I’m pretty sure he likes me too, but let’s not ruin the moment and enjoy the pleasures of uncertainty.’

If only I did…sometimes things are better unsaid, some questions are better uncovered, and sometimes possession isn’t everything!

‘It was a different look; I knew for sure it’s the right time. We both promised to stay together always. Now I’m letting him sleep as he stopped to give me some rest. How caring of him to understand I’m a human and walking bare feet isn’t a piece of cake, only if I could express enough gratitude to him for understanding something he never felt, and won’t ever come across.’

Those were the days of life, there was a strange excitement in everything we did or said together...even seeing him fly was so exotic that it made me feel like I have my own wings, as days passed and nights spend helping and understanding each other, we were pretty much happy as far as I remember.

‘I love him more now…he is a different person to me, a part of him that I never knew. I touched him for the first time, it was soft and obsessive. With him days are brighter and nights are more wonderful than ever…’

I don’t deny that those times were great, I just can’t figure out why life is like this to me now. I go back a few years and then when I return, I keep wondering if it’s still me that’s living, or u took the nice-err part away and I’m left with just what I don’t like.

‘you stay in the palm of my hands most of the time, talking to you is like letting out all the burden from inside of me and throwing it in a river that washes them away. I’m the happiest with you; you’ve brought the best part out of me…’

…and how would I know at that time that you would go and take that very part along with you…

Its been years now…I’ve grown up, I stopped fantasizing… I’ve stopped dreaming about us, about my life with you, about all that’s not practical and about anything that seems fake…and if I did have a journal, today the pages would say…

‘I ran in the jungle barefoot; just to catch a sight of you. I potentially put my entire life on stake, for living a dream with you. I have you now and after all these years, I don’t know what to do with you… I’ve no more to talk about, no more to share. You don't have anymore adventures for me as I’ve grown up. Did we ever go along? No, it was always one living while the other compromising, welcome to reality my love…we both are now tired…’

And if I did have a journal, it would end with my last words sealed in for no one to know.

‘…I let go today, I’ve set you free, for it is where you belong. You know I am right, but you hate me for being right, you weren’t ready, I wasn’t ready, but I din have a choice. How long can I hold onto something like this, to someone like you…’

‘…I am living in this cruel world now, I see and I know that I cannot fly, I believed but I don’t today, that I had wings… the sky is far again and the sand is what I walk on again… my grave would be underground, beneath the soil I shall be buried. I know I’m a human and I know what I am; I know we don’t belong together so I set u free…’

This would bring my seven years' story to an end, but if I’m stupid enough to believe that this would end my love for you... I need to wake up and realize. Whatever happens is for the best, we both din belong together…

Growing Desires and Uncontrollable life

‘Baby Ella was born on July 17, 2008. Four days earlier I had been admitted to the hospital as I spontaneously dilated and Ella's water sac had begun descending into the canal at just 21 weeks gestation. I was told by many to just "get it over with" and begin induction as Ella would not likely live. However, my wonderful husband and I would not choose certain death when I had the option to lie in the hospital in the trendelinberg position to ease the water sac back through the cervix. After 48 hours of doing so, there was no change in my condition. Ella was still exposed to infection as was myself, but we were not about to give up. Two more days went by and we hung onto the hope that something would change. However, the only thing that did was that Ella and I now had an infection and there was no way to turn back the clock for her. My wonderful doctor (who was the only medical professional who refused to give up on us) delivered the news on that Thursday around12:40pm. It was no longer my duty to try to save Ella...if we wanted to see her alive, we would have to deliver her as soon as possible. With my family beside me, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who was perfect in every way. My husband and I baptized her immediately and we witnessed her tiny body move and her delicate hand grasp the ring that her daddy tried to place on her fingers...she was so strong. And Ella began to suck on my finger as I brushed it against her tiny cheek. It was a beautiful experience that we enjoyed for 20 minutes until it was time for God to take her home....what a gift we had. Mommy and Daddy love you, Ella Rose! Xoxoxoxoxo’

This was from a random source, but reading it made me realize so much. It was like everything I needed at that time, a little actualization and a little bang on the head to move on and move ahead. I soon understood why I wasn’t happy, simply because I wished for a little too much. Normally you look at other people and wonder if you could be like them and live as wonderfully as their life seems to but ever realized and thanked for what we got? How we keep asking for more while people in some side of the world find happiness in what we call almost nothing, but for them it’s all they can ever wish for! Say Alhumdulillah for all what you have. Only if u imagine all of it going away you'll know the worth of every ounce in your life...

It’s sad that we get what we don’t deserve and we’re still not proud of it, in fact it bothers us that others have a lot more and then we wonder why they do when we don’t, and heres when we start judging without knowing enough.

Complaining is our thing, it’s like what we do most of the time… human nature or whatever u may call, gimme one person who never complains and ill stop writing! Well I bet if u can find a person even for a single day! We don’t accept the fact that we take our lives for granted, we hardly are thankful for what we’ve got while some out there dream a life like you have, it’s a fantasy for them. Growing up with luxuries all around u, updating you’re lives as the world technologizes.

Facts aren’t just a man’s thought, they are practiced or observed and are mostly right. Though I haven’t experimented much with what people think but during my 6 years of teen-age life, I’ve observed all of us are pretty much the same.. well yes the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are in different quantities and different ways but humans in this world live in the shade of greys, no matter how hard you try … u can never mark them on a chart with a  black or white area, we’re not angels and so we can’t stay calm in the worst of situations and obviously we’re not devils either so we care and love at some point during our life… we’re not made of stones neither of tissue so stop judging us by our reactions in various condition. The one thing that is unique, the one thing that is not only physically but technically and emotionally even scientifically your very own belonging and will be a possession that would  be yours till the end of your time, not like a kidney that u can spare neither like a leg that u can live without.. But something that no one in this world can take or ask for till the very end… ask from that heart , do u know oneself ? We hide our little dirty secrets behind the curtains in our brain, we wana think we’re all goody good package sent from the heavens and meanwhile we actually forget the hidden part...but then do we become all the good stuff in the goody bag?

Life isn’t a puzzle that can be solved, neither a race that can be won. Life isn’t some ribbon that can be untangled, it is but just a life…Something that’s very much ours yet the only thing that we can’t ever get, We can’t control life, it controls us! But we sure can limit our desires to get the most out of it...

DEATH- A Chilling Thought

I am a mortal being, then how dare I neglect the eternal fact and make promises forever. Forever is a cliché, It neither has a face nor an existence, but Death does.

I might live for years treasuring my possessions and creating my own life, but in the process of doing so why did I forget I am perhaps a possession of Him. I accept and I expect new lives to be brought in my way, then why do I complain to Him for taking His own lives away. Everything comes to an end after all! Life isn’t like a dream nor like a movie, can’t always be perfect can neither be crafted by hands or pens...it is indeed a magical world created by our Miraculous God. What my God has planned I dare do not know, but He tells me about it, that it is what our future awaits.

A tiny fear that lies beneath the heart of all, from the richest in this world to the most poor, to the happiest and also the most miserable, Death it is. What human is he, if he doesn’t believe in death? Who denies the dreadful existence? We humans perceptibly hold no right and perhaps no power to challenge the inescapable and inexorable death.

It is certainly beyond our understanding; the secret fortune Allah has blessed us with, in some cases which could be rearticulated as ‘destiny we are cursed with.’ Life perhaps turns out to be very insignificant and very short to be observed and talked about when compared, just a fatal existence that is puffed up in every potential way every time, unfortunately everywhere. It’s depressing how we see lives taken away everyday and yet not realize that it is where we will be someday. We prefer ignoring rather than thinking of our time, we prefer hiding it rather than facing.

True that we hide it deep inside, but it comes out one day, it has to. A terror trapped inside, the most bloodcurdling and frightening of all, an existence that deteriorates the mightiest being and diminishes the most awful ache, it is indeed what reminds us of Allah and it is indeed what we Muslims struggle for. Death, however is the most disturbing of all, can be at times a blissful invitation for someone, while knowing how horrendous it is yet we still don’t know how dreadfully horrifying it can be for someone!

Every human in this world lives to make his ending better, somehow or in some way. All that we do in this planet adds to our deeds, either it covers the way further or removes a hurdle from the way but we know it is all recorded till the end. We don’t wana die insulted, we don’t wana die with no good place to go, we don’t wana die manically but what we all want is a peaceful death. When our life ends, all we Muslims wish for is a safe way back home, where the ummah of our dear prophet belongs to; we all wana clear our easy way direct to the heavens! Well let’s wish we all do, but who are we fooling, ourselves? c’mon aren’t you aware of your daily rituals? Do you actually think you’re clearing your way? Well think again, you’re not struggling enough!

Our future is unpredictable, though millions claim to predict and discern, but tomorrow is never known to us humans except for the fact that somewhere someday death will find us. Its funny how the strongest and most intellectual bureaucrats in this world know, and up till now can’t hinder neither the world nor themselves from the gruesome death. Even the thought of which is spine tingling and horrifying, no wonder we can’t wonder what it actually might be.

When you realize your inner fear isn’t wealth or any worldly beings, you know you’re afraid of your mortality. When the leaves blow that block the dark side of your heart, you can see it coming. And nothing remains here now, nothing! There is possibly no escape, but there is a way to make it less fearful, give Him a reason to have mercy on you, give Him a reason to not punish you, give Him a reason to show kindness and be amused by His great kind-heartedness and benevolence. Give Him just one reason and save yourself from the ruthless end of this life, give Him just one for He has given you many…