Letter Of Regret

Dear Friend,

It can never be explained or told, love can only be felt. And as stupid as I was to let go this feeling, I leave no meaning at all to all of the world’s most powerful words, but I’m still saying it just in case it could pass thru you, ‘I miss you…’

What I had with you was indescribable, the bond so strong that I literally died each second I wasn’t with you. It’s unusual to find a best friend that is cool enough to make it up to term, and even more unusual to find a person who loves you intimately even after seeing the worst of you, especially when the worst is for him. And  I’d call myself fortunate  if I hadn’t been so wrong in making decisions, if I didn’t make a mistake of having kept all of my worst for you. I’ve always pushed you away from myself, despite of the fact that you were the only person in the world that knew me more than myself. I might have my reasons for doing so, and since I know they’re all useless to you I wouldn’t bother listing them down, and if it feels any right, I now have understood how silly I was, no excuse is good enough to let go your love.

I have always loved myself before being with you, I did so much and so crazy yet no regrets or guilt was there. Right and wrong all I had crossed, but never stuck so bad. But since I’ve had this time with me, the guilt and regret is worse than anything I’ve been through. I hate myself for being so selfish, and I can’t bear out how much disgust is filled within me for the person who has been inconsiderate to you, and for a person who loved herself like I did, nothing can be more remorseful than having forever to blame myself for all the mistakes I’ve made.

The last thing on earth I wanted was, to see tears in your eyes, and how fateful I must say I am to be doing it myself. I’m so sorry for being ridiculously awful and so meaningless, and I’m so sorry for letting you down.

I know this won’t even help cure even half of the pain I’ve given u, but there’s a hope knowing that you’ve always read what’s in my heart and not shown on my face , that you’ll know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry for all those times of your life that I lied to you about being together forever, I’m sorry for loving you more each time the thought of leaving you arrived, I’m sorry for not letting you face the reality, I’m so sorry for the love and the hugs that were just to hide the unwanted pain. But how could I tell you that its wrong when everything felt so right, how was I supposed to wake u up when you were living a dream of your life.

Yes I am aware of what I did to you, and yes I know it’s not something one can forget. I understand if you hate me for eternal and even if you never wish to see me again, but I would like you to remember all the hours of the day we’ve spent talking and the nights we’ve seen each other sleep. I’d like you to reminisce the old times, the exchange of warmth and comfort, the precious unique gifts…and if nothing is strong enough to soothe the pain, close your eyes and feel my existence, feel my hand touching yours, my arms holding you tight and feel your lips on mine. No matter how much you hate me for leaving you in this mortal life, your love for me weighs much more to let you survive.

Neither Life nor death can take away those moments we’ve spent together, and for the sake of the love filled in every moment of those memorable days, I today ask u to forgive me, Forgiveness for not making you a part of my grief as I promised a smile upon your face, forgiveness for not believing in you and letting our thing go away.

I was in love since forever and it grew as I grow, it settled down and lived inside and then I pinch it out of my life. I don’t know why it was done; I’ll just say that was destined to happen.

And for you don’t you, I am glad that I made it easier for you. Blaming me rather than yourself for the killing seclusion is way better than seeing your entire life standing in front of you to walk upon with millions of steps that follow lament and pain.

I wasted my life whining about mistakes, and now that the end seems near I’m afraid your love would just disappear, as I know how much I still mean to you. I thought I was the one in our relation that loved you more, but later realized you secretly overflowed the bucket. I am sorry for not being able to handle that love, and I am sorry for letting so much of you waste away, but one thing my dear I assure you, though great, the pain was never higher than the affection.

I might fail to make things better between us, but I just want you to know, I’ve never loved anyone as dearly as I’ve loved you and that you are and will always be the one closest to my heart. I love you so much that I can literally, and you know how much I mean it when I’m all sentimental and drowned in tears; I would literally drown myself in the sea and cut through my throat to breathe once again to tell you that I love you and then peacefully drive my soul to the seven skies assuring that my last scrap of life wasn’t about nothing but dedicated onto proving my love to you.

PS - The Girl who ruined your life

Vagueness inside...

Life is an unpredicted journey where we won’t ever be ready. We think as we grow that we gain experience that helps us future and yet it’s just another topping on the layers of our myths and fake beliefs.

With all the stuff that I usually have in my head, I again tried to figure out what is it that bothers me the most? Losing friends, losing love, being too considerate, or too spontaneous? Do I blame myself for lagging behind or hate myself for moving a little too ahead?

There’s a lot yet to learn and no matter what age I be, there always will be a lot more to discover. We eventually get used to of stuff that happens more often and call it ‘experience’ when every new day still remains a mystery for us.

How we regret doing so many things and how we require so many answers. I wish I could change all my question marks to fragments of facts and live peacefully with all my doubts cleared or at least put a full stop right after it so the urge to find a response no longer remains. But every night when I lay down with a smile, the questions form a blurred vision that blocks all the blissful thoughts and leaves me lost in the dark world surrounded by shattered dreams and all I can think of is the worst that happened to me, and when I try balancing it with the good stuff, I’m out of things to count on.

I’m always trying to be happy, trying to look as cheerful as one can be. But never quiet realized I ‘showed off’, like people wana be rich and pretty and smart and everything cool, I wana be happy. And after this thought I sympathized myself. Is that all what I need from life, and after a brief pause I cheerly shouted ‘yes’. The simple smiles and sweet essence of relationships with friends and family is all that I need to make my life perfect.

Remember as a child when you’re asked what your dreams are, and all the craziest stuff of the world hits your mind. In the quest of finding what I really wanted, I was like a 7 year old child where one day i wanted to stand on the moon and on the other I wanted a chocolate factory of my own. Haha how silly your dreams can be…

I’ve concluded a lot about myself during the past two years of my life. At first it seemed like I had it all figured out and a new life started like a clean slate and its funny how things got gloomy and now it’s nothing but a tragic mess.

How desperately we sometimes wish for a ‘rewind’ or an ‘undo’ button, and it’s not surprising that we do get another chance at almost everything and yet again we don’t falter to make it a further mess. So today I’ve revealed another flaw of mine, I’m in a rush to jump to the conclusion and skip the important details in the process.

All this soul exposure and letting my dark self out was to make me feel better, maybe it din work this time, maybe it won’t work from now. The murky side should always be concealed and never revealed as an open wound never heals.

Aching Mile....

I knew why it was happening, suddenly all my dreams and desires crashing down into pieces. Tears couldn’t stop flowing and my heart sank down and ached so hard I couldn’t resist but to scream. The life I was living all these years was a fake, anything and everything I had disappeared into thin air and all I could do was sit and stare. I thought I tried to run after it, but how wrong I was.

They accused me of not understanding, only if they could understand how I felt! It hurts not to see what we’ve been going through, it hurts to see that I do so much and no one cares; it hurts to see how I’ve made sacrifices that are of no value to anyone but just me.

I don’t wish for anything but to be a better person, how I regret all I’ve done, all I still do … I wish I so wish I could change myself. Why is it so hard to forget...to forgive, why does it seem impossible to end something that has no future, something that is though pleasurable but hard to survive? Something I never wanted to start, something I won’t ever be ready for…

And once again, having so many friends yet I’m so alone. It’s nothing that I hide or I can’t say, it’s just everything I never said. Is this me? I often wonder asking myself, will I be this way forever? Or will I be the person I loved to be. You took away all that was charming about me, left me in darkness surrounded by tears and sorrows and my soul drenched in pain.

I wana stop blaming you, stop blaming all those I indict, but looks like I’ve no control over my feelings. One thing that din change about me, that one thing which I’m not very proud of…I’ve always put relations and emotions above my life, I was never my priority but you and others...and even when I got selfish, it din really get me much for myself.

I’m tired, from whatever all this is. Tired of thinking, tired of knowing all that I wish I dint. I can’t help it anymore, I write because I can’t tell anyone. I write to make myself feel better. How can I hate you, I’m supposed to love you, respect u…I’m obliged to be there for u, its nature and its life. BUT I don’t want to…I wana get out of this, but m too scared to choose the only way, m scared of dying... But I don wana be a part of this anymore.

The chill I can feel in my body right now is awful, I wana make it stop; please make it stop for me. Please!
This was a start of new life; I thought it was a beginning of happiness and excitement... It sure was a beginning, maybe it was even new, but definitely not happiness is what it can be called, not very exciting even.

I’m done cursing myself and friends for the miserable life I’m living from a couple of years. But no, I won’t accept that this is my destiny. I refuse to those who say its fate and you can’t do anything about it. I lived with a hope, will always live with a hope… I believe, even if I’m crushed and all dried, I believe there is at least one light that would shine upon me. I am well aware of my sins and my good deeds, and only I know how bad and deep the regret is… I know I am good, better than many, and I know I will pass through this. I know m not alone; it’s me and my writing, together we'll pass this aching mile.

Poetry By Me...: Regretting Pleasure

Poetry By Me...: Regretting Pleasure: Green was the garden and sky was blue with light all around, with love so true Life was a dream, smiles and bloom Tender was your touch, ...

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

‘If only heart asked for a reason…’

I wasn’t pissed at them; it was the pigeon that ditched me last night. I was lost in my seven years old story, when I first time met him. I’m not used to of keeping a journal, but if I did at that time, it would’ve said something like this…

‘Dear Friend, (if that’s how it starts…

I saw a pigeon today, it looked beautiful. It was white as snow and clear as a pearl, I've only dreamed about such flawless beauty so it sure was a sight to see. It sat on the branch of a tree right beside me, I turned towards the tree and I couldn't get my eyes off it. 



I only fantasized a little and it started to take off, as it moved in the right direction, I ran after it...Following it all the way into the jungle bare foot, forgetting that I cannot fly, forgetting it was way beyond my league, forgetting who I was I just ran to capture one more glance of the damn pretty thing.’

‘…Its been a week, and I’m still following it, it does sound crazy; running after something that you secretly believe you can’t ever get, but I don wana regret later..So ill keep following it until it comes to me.And even if it never does, I’m sure it’ll take me to some place better than this. Following my own dream wouldn’t get me into big trouble, that’s what I believe…’

A part of me still believes that, while the other is lost since that very day…My faith was right but it proved me wrong, I guess I wasn’t running for nothing, but yes I do wish I did!

‘…Months have passed yet I can’t be repulsive towards it, my keenness to want it have been raised…I still run every time it departs, I still sit back and stare at it during night…days are less relaxing for us, it knows I’ve been following it, it doesn’t react on it much..But I’m glad he knows…’

‘Today ‘It’ became a ‘he’ for me…I and the pigeon are now good friends, he appreciate how I’ve been there for him and helped in during rainy days, he understands how much I care for him and how much I adore him. I think I’ve fallen for his flawless attractiveness and I’m pretty sure he likes me too, but let’s not ruin the moment and enjoy the pleasures of uncertainty.’

If only I did…sometimes things are better unsaid, some questions are better uncovered, and sometimes possession isn’t everything!

‘It was a different look; I knew for sure it’s the right time. We both promised to stay together always. Now I’m letting him sleep as he stopped to give me some rest. How caring of him to understand I’m a human and walking bare feet isn’t a piece of cake, only if I could express enough gratitude to him for understanding something he never felt, and won’t ever come across.’

Those were the days of life, there was a strange excitement in everything we did or said together...even seeing him fly was so exotic that it made me feel like I have my own wings, as days passed and nights spend helping and understanding each other, we were pretty much happy as far as I remember.

‘I love him more now…he is a different person to me, a part of him that I never knew. I touched him for the first time, it was soft and obsessive. With him days are brighter and nights are more wonderful than ever…’

I don’t deny that those times were great, I just can’t figure out why life is like this to me now. I go back a few years and then when I return, I keep wondering if it’s still me that’s living, or u took the nice-err part away and I’m left with just what I don’t like.

‘you stay in the palm of my hands most of the time, talking to you is like letting out all the burden from inside of me and throwing it in a river that washes them away. I’m the happiest with you; you’ve brought the best part out of me…’

…and how would I know at that time that you would go and take that very part along with you…

Its been years now…I’ve grown up, I stopped fantasizing… I’ve stopped dreaming about us, about my life with you, about all that’s not practical and about anything that seems fake…and if I did have a journal, today the pages would say…

‘I ran in the jungle barefoot; just to catch a sight of you. I potentially put my entire life on stake, for living a dream with you. I have you now and after all these years, I don’t know what to do with you… I’ve no more to talk about, no more to share. You don't have anymore adventures for me as I’ve grown up. Did we ever go along? No, it was always one living while the other compromising, welcome to reality my love…we both are now tired…’

And if I did have a journal, it would end with my last words sealed in for no one to know.

‘…I let go today, I’ve set you free, for it is where you belong. You know I am right, but you hate me for being right, you weren’t ready, I wasn’t ready, but I din have a choice. How long can I hold onto something like this, to someone like you…’

‘…I am living in this cruel world now, I see and I know that I cannot fly, I believed but I don’t today, that I had wings… the sky is far again and the sand is what I walk on again… my grave would be underground, beneath the soil I shall be buried. I know I’m a human and I know what I am; I know we don’t belong together so I set u free…’

This would bring my seven years' story to an end, but if I’m stupid enough to believe that this would end my love for you... I need to wake up and realize. Whatever happens is for the best, we both din belong together…

Growing Desires and Uncontrollable life

‘Baby Ella was born on July 17, 2008. Four days earlier I had been admitted to the hospital as I spontaneously dilated and Ella's water sac had begun descending into the canal at just 21 weeks gestation. I was told by many to just "get it over with" and begin induction as Ella would not likely live. However, my wonderful husband and I would not choose certain death when I had the option to lie in the hospital in the trendelinberg position to ease the water sac back through the cervix. After 48 hours of doing so, there was no change in my condition. Ella was still exposed to infection as was myself, but we were not about to give up. Two more days went by and we hung onto the hope that something would change. However, the only thing that did was that Ella and I now had an infection and there was no way to turn back the clock for her. My wonderful doctor (who was the only medical professional who refused to give up on us) delivered the news on that Thursday around12:40pm. It was no longer my duty to try to save Ella...if we wanted to see her alive, we would have to deliver her as soon as possible. With my family beside me, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who was perfect in every way. My husband and I baptized her immediately and we witnessed her tiny body move and her delicate hand grasp the ring that her daddy tried to place on her fingers...she was so strong. And Ella began to suck on my finger as I brushed it against her tiny cheek. It was a beautiful experience that we enjoyed for 20 minutes until it was time for God to take her home....what a gift we had. Mommy and Daddy love you, Ella Rose! Xoxoxoxoxo’

This was from a random source, but reading it made me realize so much. It was like everything I needed at that time, a little actualization and a little bang on the head to move on and move ahead. I soon understood why I wasn’t happy, simply because I wished for a little too much. Normally you look at other people and wonder if you could be like them and live as wonderfully as their life seems to but ever realized and thanked for what we got? How we keep asking for more while people in some side of the world find happiness in what we call almost nothing, but for them it’s all they can ever wish for! Say Alhumdulillah for all what you have. Only if u imagine all of it going away you'll know the worth of every ounce in your life...

It’s sad that we get what we don’t deserve and we’re still not proud of it, in fact it bothers us that others have a lot more and then we wonder why they do when we don’t, and heres when we start judging without knowing enough.

Complaining is our thing, it’s like what we do most of the time… human nature or whatever u may call, gimme one person who never complains and ill stop writing! Well I bet if u can find a person even for a single day! We don’t accept the fact that we take our lives for granted, we hardly are thankful for what we’ve got while some out there dream a life like you have, it’s a fantasy for them. Growing up with luxuries all around u, updating you’re lives as the world technologizes.

Facts aren’t just a man’s thought, they are practiced or observed and are mostly right. Though I haven’t experimented much with what people think but during my 6 years of teen-age life, I’ve observed all of us are pretty much the same.. well yes the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are in different quantities and different ways but humans in this world live in the shade of greys, no matter how hard you try … u can never mark them on a chart with a  black or white area, we’re not angels and so we can’t stay calm in the worst of situations and obviously we’re not devils either so we care and love at some point during our life… we’re not made of stones neither of tissue so stop judging us by our reactions in various condition. The one thing that is unique, the one thing that is not only physically but technically and emotionally even scientifically your very own belonging and will be a possession that would  be yours till the end of your time, not like a kidney that u can spare neither like a leg that u can live without.. But something that no one in this world can take or ask for till the very end… ask from that heart , do u know oneself ? We hide our little dirty secrets behind the curtains in our brain, we wana think we’re all goody good package sent from the heavens and meanwhile we actually forget the hidden part...but then do we become all the good stuff in the goody bag?

Life isn’t a puzzle that can be solved, neither a race that can be won. Life isn’t some ribbon that can be untangled, it is but just a life…Something that’s very much ours yet the only thing that we can’t ever get, We can’t control life, it controls us! But we sure can limit our desires to get the most out of it...

DEATH- A Chilling Thought

I am a mortal being, then how dare I neglect the eternal fact and make promises forever. Forever is a cliché, It neither has a face nor an existence, but Death does.

I might live for years treasuring my possessions and creating my own life, but in the process of doing so why did I forget I am perhaps a possession of Him. I accept and I expect new lives to be brought in my way, then why do I complain to Him for taking His own lives away. Everything comes to an end after all! Life isn’t like a dream nor like a movie, can’t always be perfect can neither be crafted by hands or pens...it is indeed a magical world created by our Miraculous God. What my God has planned I dare do not know, but He tells me about it, that it is what our future awaits.

A tiny fear that lies beneath the heart of all, from the richest in this world to the most poor, to the happiest and also the most miserable, Death it is. What human is he, if he doesn’t believe in death? Who denies the dreadful existence? We humans perceptibly hold no right and perhaps no power to challenge the inescapable and inexorable death.

It is certainly beyond our understanding; the secret fortune Allah has blessed us with, in some cases which could be rearticulated as ‘destiny we are cursed with.’ Life perhaps turns out to be very insignificant and very short to be observed and talked about when compared, just a fatal existence that is puffed up in every potential way every time, unfortunately everywhere. It’s depressing how we see lives taken away everyday and yet not realize that it is where we will be someday. We prefer ignoring rather than thinking of our time, we prefer hiding it rather than facing.

True that we hide it deep inside, but it comes out one day, it has to. A terror trapped inside, the most bloodcurdling and frightening of all, an existence that deteriorates the mightiest being and diminishes the most awful ache, it is indeed what reminds us of Allah and it is indeed what we Muslims struggle for. Death, however is the most disturbing of all, can be at times a blissful invitation for someone, while knowing how horrendous it is yet we still don’t know how dreadfully horrifying it can be for someone!

Every human in this world lives to make his ending better, somehow or in some way. All that we do in this planet adds to our deeds, either it covers the way further or removes a hurdle from the way but we know it is all recorded till the end. We don’t wana die insulted, we don’t wana die with no good place to go, we don’t wana die manically but what we all want is a peaceful death. When our life ends, all we Muslims wish for is a safe way back home, where the ummah of our dear prophet belongs to; we all wana clear our easy way direct to the heavens! Well let’s wish we all do, but who are we fooling, ourselves? c’mon aren’t you aware of your daily rituals? Do you actually think you’re clearing your way? Well think again, you’re not struggling enough!

Our future is unpredictable, though millions claim to predict and discern, but tomorrow is never known to us humans except for the fact that somewhere someday death will find us. Its funny how the strongest and most intellectual bureaucrats in this world know, and up till now can’t hinder neither the world nor themselves from the gruesome death. Even the thought of which is spine tingling and horrifying, no wonder we can’t wonder what it actually might be.

When you realize your inner fear isn’t wealth or any worldly beings, you know you’re afraid of your mortality. When the leaves blow that block the dark side of your heart, you can see it coming. And nothing remains here now, nothing! There is possibly no escape, but there is a way to make it less fearful, give Him a reason to have mercy on you, give Him a reason to not punish you, give Him a reason to show kindness and be amused by His great kind-heartedness and benevolence. Give Him just one reason and save yourself from the ruthless end of this life, give Him just one for He has given you many…

Life in a day

Yawning and eyes almost shut but I can’t go to bed before trapping these exquisite memories and writing them down as fresh as they are, from the first smile upon your face as u looked at me to the last look in your eyes, it’ll always be inside of me.
 

A day with the person I wish I could be with my whole life, a day with just the two of us. It’s crazy how everything turns out to be fun when you’re around. From morning 8 till midnight, at home and then hitting the mall, doing crazy things that weren’t planned were all the part of my perfect day. The delicious food and the precious gifts, the discussion and arguments about important stuff, the worried mood that was washed away with the excitement, the drawing and playing, the searching and the buying, the movie and the cooking, the Frappuccino and the ‘Friends Forever’ doughnuts, the laughing and the smiling! Ahh all you need in a life, all I had in a day.. You just gave me a Life in a day!

It’s your fascinating self that wants me to be there for you every time of the day. Best friends do anything and everything for each other, and I’ve known that…well since forever maybe because I’ve heard it or even felt it at times but never felt it as bad and as insistently as today. The little smiles that brighten up my world and the little surprises that make it a fantasy, all of today, each part of it was like living a dream.

You are my best friend not because I can talk to u about everything but simply because I can literally talk to u about anything! I never really have second thoughts before telling you my secrets, and the things I’ve rather be keeping to myself. Whether the family stuff or some guy problem whether the fights with friends or the bad days where you do nothing but whine about all the random not-so-good stuff in your life, I know I have one person right behind to listen to all the crap I wana say. You are indeed the only person who’ve had the worst of me and is still so close, you know when I need you bad even when I yell out loud that I don’t, you know and you’re always there when I scream and beg to be alone coz deep inside I’m begging you to stay. You are the one who can actually see the tears behind my smile and it’s not just a cliché you can actually figure out if there’s something bothering me... and yea one thing about me that I hate myself is my egotistical nature, something I really wish wasn’t there and one thing that always forces me into messing up stuff..one thing that possibly potentially can ruin my whole life but yes another bad thing you know and you can deal with  :)

It’s amazing the fact that you were so sure I would love what you did. What more can I ask for than a hand I can always reach when I’m falling, a smile I can always look at when I’m down, a shout I can always hear when I’m wrong, a friend I can always call after screwing up everything. Someone I call the worst things and hurt as much as I can, someone I yell at so bad that if that someone did the same I wouldn’t forget in a million years, someone I expect to hug me even if I smell worse than frying onions or rotten eggs or I vomit after eating strawberries or the smell of all these combined (seriously, eeeewww) and not just a hug, a one long enough to soothe me down.

Well you might not be that amazing, Im well aware of all your bad stuff too. A lot of people have seen you pretty and casual but ive seen the most ugly version of you. Ive heard you cry for as long as it takes for a man to die listening :P and ive seen you cry for things as little as a __ well never mind :P apart from this, something’s I never knew about you and after this summer I do are those which actually makes me happy :P hehe coz the fact that you’re too nice always did bothered me a little :P but I know now you care about yourself a lot though you’re not selfish and you expect people to know about what you did invisibly.. lol a lot more about you that all isn’t good neither bad, but all that what makes me happy, I’m glad to know you.

Reality check- I'm Changing...

Mid s were on their way to attack our brains, but I was pre-occupied. While the marketing concept and the author’s craft were down on paper, my mind kept playing with thoughts of the uncertainty. What was it that was bothering me since past few weeks, maybe months…well nothing in particular but I was concerned about a hell lot of things.

Like a note written in ink washed away by a spill of water, all my thoughts were messed up inside. Beneath smile I hid a lot, no pain inside I had indeed, but it was bad I knew it for sure. Every morning was worse, the start of a day with a wish to escape. It wasn’t late when I realized the person I used to be was lost. Optimistic and bright I was designed to be, but pessimistic and dark I have become.

From a school of fish to an aquarium at home, I’ve moved for no good. The acceptance of the distance just took so long. The time kept passing and everything flowed yet nothing smooth. I wandered alone all the night in my dreams, a walk on the rainbow just to feel the colours inside me, cheering myself up and moving out of the past. I’ve refuted to my own customs and let myself down, for I am sorry to be what I become and the loss of the one I cherished to be.

My addiction- My crazy Friends !

When it comes to friends, I’m always filled up with stories to tell. But yeah there’s no way I can get my thoughts written down in words!
Friendship is said to be the most important relation of a person's life, well it has many more definitions and is often discussed about, but friendship is unlike any of the things I’ve ever heard. It’s not just about love, or about trust, neither just about helping; not only supporting or caring is friendship but much more. For me friendship is more like a habit, like a need, something u can’t live without, for me friendship is a must.
Missing my friends at all times of the day is obvious but really wanting to talk to them and for no special reason makes me wonder sometimes how can someone be so much important. Why am I wanting to know about them after every 2nd hour, why is there this weird depression or anxiety when haven’t talk to them for long, there may be a day I’ve lived without food, but none without friends. Everyone loves their friends of course they do, that’s the only reason they call each other 'friends', but did anyone ever thought of calling the person; who annoys you the most, or sum one who irritates u all the time, or someone whom you’re jealous from, or someone you don’t like; you’re best friend ???
Well that’s what makes me and my girls different from the rest. I love friends, yes I do and I say that we're perfect, not because we love each other or we care, but because we need no other. We fight, we curse, we hurt each other the most, there are misunderstandings and jealousy, there’s sometimes irritation and hatred, but we're still the best of friends, we’re not really good at keeping secrets and r never ready to apologize even when guilty, but we comfort and help, we support and appreciate, we know each other completely. In fact sometimes it’s really hard to deal with a situation just because we know what the real thing is while the other is trying to hide it. We understand when a friend is sad even if there’s the biggest smile on her face, we know there’s something wrong even if she tries hard to hide her tears, and anything we do together is fun. We're ready to die just for the smile of the other, selfishness is what we practice, insulting is what we never forget. Hitting is what we l0ve and fighting is our favourite job.
I can proudly say that all my friends were there in all my bad times (if not there would’ve been no bad day, that was all a gift from on to other…the bad days and the miserable time)
no one dares to hurt us so we take the pledge to do it ourselves but then every time a fight ends it leaves us loving each other more at the end of the day.

After reading this people would say that I’m obsessed with my girls, well I guess I am a little crazy about it. I AM! There is something that connects us, something that makes us feel for each other in the same way even after the worst arguments. There is a secret element which no other firm manufactures and makes us feel so relaxed and relieved when we’re together, no matter what the problem is, regardless of the time it arrives at, no matter how big the hurdle is, we always stand hand-in-hand ready to jump as highest as possible. There’s no problem in digging ourselves out of the deepest of depression! There’s no man on earth that can separate us, no one can make us apart, coz we're connected somehow.

Just wanted to say that I love all my friends from the core of my heart and I’m going to stay beside no matter what. You’re more than a need, you’re more than a want…u losers are my addiction!

Migrated or Exiled...?

Time passes by so fast and by the time you realize the significance of those few cherished moments they're gone!
So much have changed, literally so much! I’m not the first one who has come all way to Pakistan leaving my family and friends behind, but yea m the only one who knows how much it’s hurting me right now. True that life has got a lot for you, a lot better sometimes and as time passes you learn to cop up with hard times, true that this is the phase where I’ll discover my dreams and try to turn them into reality, true that now I have the chance to figure myself out, it is when I can concentrate on myself more than I did ever. However the price I had to pay for all this worth much more and by the way all this is said only for self satisfaction.

After the school life like I had, sovereign life sounded exciting but at the same time I knew I would’ve been happier if my family and friends were around and when I think this way I so want to quit! I can, in fact I am ready to give up this wonderful self-regulating life though I haven’t lived it completely and thoughts of which scares the hell out of me. I just want a one-way to the Middle East and fly from the Lahore airport for the last time. And when they say I’m a selfish immature brat then how come you let me stay here?!
I can’t, especially when I know there’s a place I can go and it’s better, when I know I’ll be happier then why do I have to stay!

Cumin here was my own decision, my very own decision and until today I was happy and excited about this new place, the new life but the bad parts conquer the good ones and in the end I’m sad, like always I want to press the undo button, no actually the rewind button and go back to those amazingly wonderful times. I want to go back to those fascinating days when every second of life was worth living, I want to tell everyone how I felt about them and I want them to know what they really were to me, and I want them to feel how much I love them and how much I care and then I’ll cum back to this place with no regrets at all, now I know I won’t get what m asking for. I’m not unthankful in fact I secretly believe that I’m blessed with a perfect life. I know being proud is not good but I was, I am! What else can a person ask for? , I had the best one can ever get at a time. The perfect friends, the incredibly supportive parents, the charmingly adorable siblings, the happy moments, the sad times, the politics, the fights, the love, the hugs…everything.

One won’t ever understand unless feels it oneself. I knew it already, we all did, in fact we wanted this, dint we? But despite being aware we were not ready and no matter how long u wait us to be, It’ll take like forever and we still won’t be. I thought I was strong, I thought it wouldn’t be as hard and scary as it seems, well yea it’s not, its worse!! Freaky freaky...what’s going to happen next.
So far all’s well people here are great, so welcoming, the life here is better, more enjoyable, more fun but at the same time...lonely. Well Pakistan may have better people to talk to or cooler places to visit, it doesn’t attract me anymore. I used to get pleasure from those boring dull places with the same ugly faces every time and I loved it seriously. I’m not depressed, I don’t have a reason to be, but yup, if I could make a choice right now it’ll be moving back.

My messy room and the old fashioned furniture, my crazy friends and their lame conversations, my car that lodged 9 and still drove smoothly, the clean roads, the late night hanging outs, the family politics, the boring weekends, the parks, the barbeques, the visits and sleepovers at the farm house. It’s funny how much I’m missing it when all I ever wanted was to escape.

 I’m missing a place where there are no cinemas, tons of restrictions and where girls can’t drive, a place where I’ve spent more than 10 years of my life, a place where hundreds make u smile, a place that is unique, the only place where my hearts want to be, I’m missing old days, I miss it so much.

Thinking about how I’m going to live here totally freaks me out. I’ve got only a few more days to live my life the same way and den everything will change...