Fearful ...

I just heard that one incident can change your life; I never really thought it could happen. I believed that a lot more than just one thing is required for a man to change, but though I wasn’t completely wrong, I never knew things can have such an impact on your soul.

All that happened lately surrounded me with such intense fear and blocked all my thoughts, it was like being trapped inside this dark room and seeing all the things I’ve taken for granted. Sometimes the worst is required to heal you from the bad, and how was I supposed to know what I’ve been missing on if I never really understood how important it is. How would I be thankful for these breaths and these numerous gifts and blessings the Al Mighty has bestowed upon us if I hadn’t known its something that everybody doesn’t have and something that can go away in a blink of an eye.

Only if you have seen death real close you’ll know how bad you want to live. How easily we sometimes wish to end it all for some tragedies or worldly stuff and never realize one day it would go without giving us another chance. The moment I thought I’d lose it, it wasn’t the pain that made me shiver and stammer it was the fear I had inside.  The tears came rolling down and I couldn’t put a pause to them because I didn’t know what exactly they were for. I didn’t want anyone or anything beside me and just wanted to know if I could be there to weep all night long as I knew that is what I wana do.

Be thankful every morning for waking up and be thankful for breathing every second, be thankful for you have a family and be thankful for the food, shelter, clothes and the normal life. Its an irony how we talk about pain and sorrow and never think about people who’re at war or in a hospital literally fighting for every ounce of their life. All they want is to get just another day to see this world, just another breathe to be thankful for, just another chance to live their life.

I was hurt and depressed about the problems I’ve been having lately with friends, studies and stuff, and somehow it got worse every day. I tried pulling myself out of it but then gave up, but the other day seeing all those helpless people around me at the hospital, I felt ashamed of myself. I felt ashamed to be called a Muslim and all I could think of was to desperately ask for forgiveness. To say Alhumdulillah a million times to tell Him, and to the world how thankful I am for each and every thing I have in my life and to say Astagfar for all the mistakes and all the sinful thoughts I’ve done and had every single day of my life. I wanted just another chance, another day to make it up to Him and nothing else, no prayer no dua’a or no wish to have anyone or anything except His forgiveness.

I have no right to be angry at anyone in this world and hence forgiving holds no meaning, but I can apologize to each and every person that I’ve hurt, ever, and I expect forgiveness for its what you would expect from Him too. 

Me with myself all over again.

I know I’ve got my words to play with when everything and everybody else have turned their back on me. And how glad I am that I can at least talk to myself about it, I wish I learned it before.

Of all the things I’ve ever wished for, this one was never a part of the list. every time the thought hit my mind, I used to divert myself and not think if there could be almost, maybe, possibly, probably even the slightest of chance of the thought being right, but how was I supposed to know that all the unexpected is reality. Back then I wasn’t aware of the fact that the scary stuff beyond your worst nightmares could actually be a part of your miserable life someday, and looking at my life filled with all the reality that’s worse than a nightmare, a life I never could’ve possibly projected or anticipated...Well I probably shouldn’t go on, we all eventually learn how life is irrepressible, insurmountable, disobedient, disorderly and so on and so forth... But yes even all grown up and having problems other than school life and exam questions, I never thought it could happen.

Of all the things in life, the one part that has been like a curse was the moment of confession. Where it all started, and how happy I was in that particular moment of time, I’ve regretted it more than anything lately, I’ve been in a state of denial for as long as I can remember. Should I blame myself and let go all I have or wait until life resolves self created hurdles. 

hello.

Things are always a mess when I start posting another entry here, but it’s comical how I feel a lot better by the time I actually post it. While people have siblings, friends, books, mobile phones or psps, I have a keyboard and my pen. I actually find myself quiet lucky to be able to write, it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am at it. Writing is one thing that have always given me a lot more than I expected, infact each time I was attracted to it more. Even when I gave up on it, it didn’t, and today after so many months I’m back with millions of stories inside my head.

Nothing aligned or organized, it’s a pool of words that forms an ocean and drowns me inside. After seeing how bad I am with people and relations, I’ve decided not to invite any further mess. It’s good to be reserved and lonely rather than having a bunch of people who you can’t rely on. No offence meant to my friends or any other person reading this, it’s just a random thought, an observation I strongly believe.

Every time I complain about either a friend or family, there are many who oppose my thought, they have thousands of reasons and facts to prove me wrong, every time they strive to make me realize that I’m mistaken and things aren’t the way I see. Every time I’m accused of being immature and small minded however I haven’t met a more optimistic mind than mine in ages. Well it’s natural that I ignore the compliments and keep whining about the comments they passed on me, but It works good for me.

I’m the kind of person who enjoys knowing more about me, and every other day is a new experience. All the stupid steps that I take make me cry and laugh after wards, but in the long run I’m glad that there isn’t a part of life that I’m not missing on.